I have no interest in what you have to say.........

This week I have not been feeling very well, and have just been so very negative. I am usually a positive person, but my life has taken some turns here lately that I am just unable to make sense of. I am very guarded when it comes to my heart. I really very rarely let anyone in becuase of my fear of being hurt. I went against my better judgement and let someone in, and here I am hurt. I know I was wrong in making the decision to let this person in my life, I knew that in the situation we were in, that it would end badly......but yet after repeated warnings form my friends, and my heart, I still ignored everything and proceeded in that relationship.

Yes, I have learned another valuable lesson! But I already knew the outcome before it happened. I guess when you are on your own, and trying to make good decisions, every once and a while you slip up. Luckily I can see this for what it was, a huge mistake and a test of my character. I have said over the past few months that I will not SETTLE for anything less than everything. I deserve to have the best possible outcome for my life. Here is the tricky part, I know that God wants me to have the very best, but Satan keeps throwing up these tests.......ones that I sometimes pass with flying colors, but sometimes I barely make it thru.

I am a very open person, sometimes maybe a little too open for my own good. I believe that honesty is they very best way to manage life, if you are open and honest and have nothing to hide, then you are pretty much good to go. But if the people you surround yourself with are dishonest and sneaky, does that make you the same way by association? I have had someone tell me that you are who you hang out with. It was meant to be a slam on my character, but it made me angry to think that I was being judged on the character of others. I love my friends, they are my family, but they are seperate individuals form me. I like them, are able to make my own decisions and choices, and my decisions and choices are not based on their opinions. I have to make the right choices for me and my kiddos, and sometimes those decisions do not go along with what my friends think I should be doing. So when is it acceptable to tell someone that you have no interest in what they have to say when it come to your life?

I struggle with this only because I think that as christians we are held to a higher standard and I honestly do not want tohurt people. I know that when someone tells me that they think I go out with my friends too much, that they think they are saying what needs to be said tohelp my character. Most people who say that are not single parents, they are unaware of how a single parent does anything. I hear them say things like "I feel like a single parent when my spouse is out of town for a few weeks" But the reality of it is that they have no clue, and will never truly know what it is like until they are sitting in the same boat with you.

So please if you feel the need to judge me on how I am living my life and raising my children, I have no interest in what you have to say!

The girls

We have been having a good year! The girls are both doing really well in school, and are adjusting to the routine that we have this year. Emma is still at the school right behind our house, but Abbi goes to school across town....so, I get Emma to school around 7:30a and then drive thru three school zones to get Abbi to school by 8a. There are mornings when we are running late, and let's just say noone has a good day on those days. I am going to add some more pictures later, I need to get the ones up from Halloween and just our everyday goofing off!!

Sweet November

It's finally November, time for the holidays! I have always loved this time of year, when it cools off just a tad and the trees turn those amazing colors. I love taking the time to stop and look at all of the trees and taking time to see the beauty that God has blessed us with daily. So often we get in a hurry and the little things that are so wonderful get overlooked.

This coming Friday, November 6, the elementary schools will not have classes. Abbi is going to have school, but not my Emma. I am so excited, because we are going to have a mother daughter day. I never really get the chance to just be me and her, so I am really looking forward to it. I told her that we would go to lunch and then do all that girly stuff she loves to do. It has been more difficult to make time to do things with the kiddos on an individual basis. It seems like the weeks go by so much faster when the kids time is split between my house and Chase's. It seems like just yesterday was the first day of school, but we are almost ready for Thanksgiving break. I know that my girls are only young for such a short time in life, and so I want to make sure that we have all the quality time that we can together. I do spend more time it seems with Abbi Grace, I guess because she stayed with me the end of last year 3 days a week.

The past few weeks Emma has been doing really well in school. She was accepted in to the gifted and talented program, which she loves being in. She is so bright, and I am just so very proud of her. She had a rough start to the year, but I think she is starting to see that we all mean business, and that she is not going to get away with anything. I think that second grade is going to be a good year for her.

Abbi is really loving her school this year too. Last year it was like pulling teeth to get her to want to go to school, but this year the first question every morning is "momma is it a school day?" When I tell her that it is she has the same response every time "wooohooooo" She is sooo funny! I hate the weekends for her because she gets so upset that she does not get to see her friends at school! I love seeing her blossom this year. She has really done well at the ABC preschool, and bonus they have added speech to her therapy. I think that she will be more than ready for Kindergarten next year after this year. I am very proud of her and her accomplishments over the past few months in school.

We have had so much going on over the past few months, and I hope that we will have the chance over the holidays to slow down and focus on our little family. I never knew the struggles that I would face this past year would be so trying and difficult. It's funny how I kinda grew up thinking that life was fair, and everyone always got along as adults. Ha ha this is so not true. I am so glad that I have had this year to grow emotionally and really get to know who I was. I think that I am able to be a better momma to the girls now. I have the confidence finally and I know that I can take care of the girls on my own. Well of course I do have help from time to time.....but I am still raising these girls as a single mom, and for me that is huge. My mother never thought I would be able to do it on my own, so I know that there were many doubts on my abilities to care for them. I guess having not been able to make any decisions about anything for 10 1/2 years, I was unsure for myself if I could do it.

I am looking forward to the holidays this year too, because this is my year with the girls. Last year they spent all of Thanksgiving and the majority of Christmas with their daddy. I know they had fun, but I missed my girls. It is hard when they are your whole life, to go without them for 2 weeks straight. Emma asked me yesterday about putting the christmas tree up! I am very excited, last year I did it while they were gone and had it done, but this year we are going to put the tree up together! We are huge christmas decorators, so it will be fun to do it all together.

And this year we will also try to get Christmas cards out.....no promises of course, but we will make an effort!! Emma has asked if she and Abbi can help make food for Thanksgiving this year, so that will be a first time thing for me and them. Cross your fingers that it will go well!

Lucky

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you
Across the water, across the deep blue Ocean.....
Under the open sky, oh my, Baby I'm tryin

Boy I hear you, In my dreams
I feel your whisper, across the sea
I keep you with me, in my heart
you make it easier, when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again


They don't know how long it takes
waiting for a love like this
Everytime we say goodbye,
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you
I WILL

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday


And so I'm sailin through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, fill the air
I'll put a flower, in your hair


Through the breeze, through trees
More so pretty, you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning around
You hold me, right here, right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday


Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

We are Family!!

I wanted to do a post about my friends who are my family here in Arkansas!! Well not all of them are in Arkansas! Scott lives in Arlington, and we have known each other since college. He has been there for me so many times, and one of the most loyal and best friends I have ever had in my life.

Heather has let me be a part of her family, and has been there for me thru the divorce and now after. I have known her for years, but we became friends during the divorce and now after we are still really close. I spent the majority of my holidays with her and her family last year, bc I didn't have my kiddos. She is like a sister to me, and I love her dearly.

This is my friend John. He is another one of my guy friends that I care about. He and I are went out a couple of times, but knew that we were much better at friends!! He and I have helped each other thru many breakups!! He is such a great guy and he has a really amazing girlfriend now, and i am so very happy that he has found happiness!! Love him!

Ali and I went thru our divorces together. I do not know if I could have made it without her. She was there for me, when I hit rock bottom!! She picked me up and got me back up on my feet. We are not as good of friends as we were a year ago, but I know that she and I were friends when we needed each other the most.

My Best friend!!! Stacy is one of my favorite people in this world. We were introduced at a girls night party at our mutual friend Crystals house. We hit it off! At the time we were both dating young officers in the Army!! She is marrying her soldier in the spring. We started hanging out more and more, and I have to tell you she is the greatest. I absolutely freakin love her. She and I are together most of the time. Today she flew to see her soldier in Florida, but had to sit at the airport for a few hours in Little Rock, so I went and had breakfast with her at the airport!! I would do anything for her, and I know she would do the same, and has for me. LOVE HER!!!

These are my girls, Crystal and Stacy! I honestly think that these two were put in my life because my family is in another state. I met Crystal in January 2008, she was my personal trainer to help me get ready for my half marathon. She and I are alot alike, but do not get to spend as much time together bc of her Army schedule. She is one that brought me food when I was laid up in bed with a busted up knee. I know that she and I are the type of friends that will be friends no matter what, no matter where we end up living in the future. Stacy and Crystal are my single mom friends, and I would not know what to do with out them. I love my girls!

Reflections

There are so many different ways to look at things in life. There is the way you see things, the way others see things and then there is the way that things are perceived. It is so easy to stand on the outside and look at a situation, but almost scarey to look out at the unknown when you are stuck in the middle of a mess.

Looking back over the last 16 years, I have made many mistakes....ones that I wish I could change, but at the time I was unable to see past the end of my nose. I think back to decisions I have made as far as my education, relationships I have had, and just immature choices, and I have learned so many lessons. I think that these times of reflection help you to see what you have learned to be a better person. It is so easy for me to see the problems in other relationships mine and other peoples. I think that the red flags are so very obvious, but like I said when you are on the inside looking out, it is a scarey place to be.

I am very happy with the place that I am in now, but for years I was the one too scared to get out of a bad situation. I will admit that I did not go about things the right way, and I do regret that, but the truth is I am no longer afraid to go out on my own. Before I was divorced, I had never been alone.....ever!! And even over the past year, I have always had some guy calling me and wanting to date. Right after my divorce I chose the men I dated very poorly, and have made the decision to just be still......SO HARD!!! I am not one to just let things happen, Ever!! But I have learned that I am not in control of anything that happens in my life. Things happen because God allows me to have those choices. For years I had a choice to work on my marriage, and I know that I should have gone to counseling even if it was alone. I could not make Chase go, but I could make that choice for myself. I entered into counseling over a year ago, and last month I was released because I was making healthy decisions on my own. I am standing up for myself and not letting people disrespect me in any way. I have finally learned the lesson that I am worth more than that. I can now stand before a crowd of people very confident, no more self doubt as to who I am. I am still unsure if I am going to find a partner in life to go thru all of this with, but I am for the most part ok with that. There are those lonely days and nights, where i do cry but my crying turns to prayer. I am very aware that God has a plan for my life and that in the stillness of my day it will be revealed to me.

Today on this one year of being divorced, I am taking time out to be still. I want to see the glory of God revealed in this stillness, because I know he has a plan for me. And I know whatever it is, it is going to be great!

Sadness

I absolutely hate those days when I am sad! That is a lot of negative in just that one statement..... I have been dealing with something lately that I am having a hard time with. I can now say that I have met the man of my dreams. He has a name and a face and he is perfect, well almost perfect. I have never had someone love me the way that he loves me to the point that I never want it to end. I love him with all of my heart, he is the man I have been waiting my whole life to meet! I can honestly say that and know that he is exactly everything I have wanted. So, why am I sad? Because unfortunately our timing is bad and we cannot have this perfect love that I have looked for my entire life.

I am not that person that is gonna be hateful towards those that have found their perfection, but somedays I wonder if it will ever happen for me. I honestly want to have that, I mean the kind of love where you put the other person first. Where you do things for them even though you don't like those things. I have never found any man that I have dated as a young woman and now as an adult that I would do that for......with this one exception. Seriously, I know this is one of those poor pitiful me posts, butI DESERVE this love. I deserve to love someone like that and deserve to have them love me back the same way. NOW I have to admit that I am not currently even wanting to date. I have been hurt so many times, and I want to just be on my own without the hassle of dating right now. Ugh.....these days just make me tired!!

Life lessons

Tonight at house church we were talking about being Embraced by God(actually that is the book we are studying) the topic tonight was on having a good time. I thought it was funny, because over the past year I have learned to let go of all those things that made me grumpy. I have had to realize that stressing over things and walking around mad at the world was just not the way i wanted to be. I want my kiddos to remember these times as relaxed and fun, not full of too many rules and grumpiness. Now let me just say it has taken me some time to get to this point, and only a few of my super duper close friends even realize that I am stressed. But they are the only few that I trust in this world.....and I do mean few.

One of the questions asked was do you remember a time when you laughed so hard your sides hurt.....seriously, it is like every other day for me. I am not bragging by any means, it makes me sad that some of the people in the group could not really recall a time, or they had to think about it. I know how hard it is to let go of the little things, but I swear with my life I have had to let go. I am always saying that no matter what "we always land on our feet", and it has stood true to reason more times than not. I cannot let the little things get me down bc I am but one person trying to do God's will. If I let my guard down and let the grumpies in, Satan will get a hold of me. I truly believe that worry and stress is one way that satan takes a hold of our lives. I could not imagine giving him yet another way to tempt me.

I am not by any means saying that I am better than anyone......I have been the over worried mother of two kids trying to keep it all together. But ya know the harder I tried to do it myself, the further I was getting away from God. There was a direct corelation for me. When I worried, I was showing God that I did not trust what he thought was right for me. HELLOOOOOOO, seriously, when you think about it that way you really want to straighten it out in your life. My girls know that there is no way we would make it without God on our side. I am proud that they see me struggle with things, and when things turn out the way they do we thank God! Notice, I did not say that it turns out my way every time either.

Now here is the kicker, I would not be this person if I were still married........I am a true believer that "it is what it is" and while I was married, I was whatever my husband wanted me to be. I wasn't true to myself or who I believe God wanted me to be. I know the God hates divorce, and that it is not good, but now I trust in the Lord. For years I doubted everything, but now I know that from heart ache comes a rebirth in the spirit. I see the importance of knowing the Lord on an intimate level, and i have realized that I need to let go and let God worry for me. It is great to know that when you cast your cares on Jesus, your worry tends to turn to joy for life.

I have seen what is best for people here on earth. They should eat and drink and enjoy

their work, because the life God has given them on earth is short. God gives some

people the ability to enjoy the wealth and property he gives them, as well as the

ability to accept their state in life and enjoy their work. They do not worry about

how short life is, because God keeps them busy with what they love to do.

Ecclesiates 5:18-20

I am so glad that we studied this tonight at house church, bc it reminded me that God gives us all that we could ever want. We just need to decided if we are going to be happy with the life we have. I am so happy to have the time that I do with my children while they are young. They will not always be so easy to teach lessons to, but I know that being an examplle for them in life situations will teach them all the things they need to know. I truly hope that they will learn to have fun in life and enjoy the things that God has given them.

funny story

Emma Claire just came up to me and said "hey momma, why is it that you seem to always be happy, when everything is going bad?" Seriously how smart is my girl. I looked at her and asked her why she thought that I was happy when things got bad...."well, you are always happy momma, and like right now your knee is all messed up and we are having to help you do things around here, but you are still happy"

I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to share with her why we should always be happy....I started by saying that I am happy because I know that one day I am going to die and go to Heaven, and that every day we are given the choice of how we are going to deal with things. I asked her if she would rather go thru the day as a grump, and how she felt on those grumpy days. Then I asked her if it was more fun to be happy. She of course picked happy! Then came those words that made me proud to be her momma!! "I think that you are happy because you are strong, and you don't want me and Abbi to worry! And that's why you always laugh and say that it could always be worse but not to worry because we always land on our feet!"
I smiled at her, and gave her a big hug. It is good to know that when it is all said and done, that my kids understand that when life gets hard you have to look at the positive side of things. And that you have to make the choice of whether or not you will face life as a grump or with a smile and a laugh. At our house we are making the decision to be happy about the obstacles in our days, and I assured Emma that there is always someone watching to see how we deal with those obstacles. She of course being a seven year old girl decided to tell her sister that her grumpy days were numbered! haha

looking for answers

One year ago today I was looking at the end of my marriage. On October 20, 2008, I walked into the courtroom in downtown Conway for the last time as Mrs. Chase Tucker. It is odd how within an hour I walked out as Marli.....plain and simple. I think back to that day now and it makes me cry. You go into a marriage with all of these wonderful thoughts about your future and your partnership to the person that you pledge to love until death. Then the years go by and like some couples, you start to grow apart from each other, in our case we both made decisions that were not healthy for our marriage. It is painful to look at it with eyes wide open, but honestly we were blindly going thru that marriage. Neither one of us was able to see the harm we were doing, along with pride and selfishness, our marriage was headed for the toilet.



As I walked out of the courtroom, I remember thinking that it was so easy to sign the paperwork, and make the decision to divorce. Much easier than getting married bc of all the hurt and the pain. As I walked out with my lawyer and my dad, I watched Chase and his crew walk off and I felt free. I know that sounds horrible, but it was a very free feeling. And then after we were in the car Kathy, my counselor, called me. I had not shed a tear yet, but within moments of talking to her, I was bawling. She assured me that I was a strong person and that I could do this. She told me that from here on out, it was up to me to be the one who determines my destiny.



This past year I have learned so much about myself.....I have finally learned how to say no to people. I have started making healthier choices about what I do. I have always struggled with trying to do things that i thought a "good" christian would do. Seriously why is this a struggle? It should be second nature, shouldn't it? One thing I can say without a doubt in my mind, is that I now have more respect for people who are able to face tough times head on. I think that God has blessed me during this challenge. He has shown me, that to be a good christian you have to love and accept everyone for who they are, faults and all. Now just bc you love and accept them for who they are, does not mean that you have to have them in your life. Sometimes you need to realize that not everyone is a good fit for your life.



Over the past year I have learned to respect my exhusband. I have been able to see that he is a wonderful daddy. He is all about my girls....100%!! It is kinda weird but we parent better now than we did when we were married. I think that now the kids can get a way with so much more, so we are forced to work as a team to make sure we keep them on the right track. Isn't that crazy? We are nicer to each other now too, but it has taken so long to get here. Thru pain, there comes an answer. It is sad that it took the dissolving of my marriage to open my eyes to what is the most important thing. I think that Chase would probably say the same thing....but I cannot speak for him at all.



Over the past year I have run into several people who were looking at the end of their marriages, and they have asked me for advice. I swear that I honestly feel that you can work on marriages and save them, as long as both parties are determined to do so. In our case there was no such luck. I was tired of the fighting, and all the negative junk, the vicious cycle that had become my life, I was tired of thinking about how wonderful it would be if I got the call that my husband was killed in a wreck!!! Yeah I said it!! I know it is crazy, but I swear the thoughts went thru my head! How freakin selfish is that? I was focused on me!! I did not want to have to go thru a divorce, so him dying would be the better solution? I am telling you that is how bad it was.....sadly I have talked to so many people who say that they have thought the same things about their spouses!! I asked Kathy about that, and she said that your mind does that when you have given up. That people start to look at how they will cope after the fact. Now, the screwed up part of that is that I never really thought about my kids in all of this. I was so extremely selfish. The first selfless thing I did was to tell my ex to move out. The girls had witnessed the violence first hand, and I was determined to break the cycle of abuse. I could not dare to think that I was going to be visiting my daughters one day and see them being treated the way that I was treated in my marriage. I also never wanted them to EVER have those thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like if my spouse died in a car wreck" bc they were unhappy in their marriages.



I hate to say it, but the knowledge that I have gained from my divorce is knowledge that I use to help others save their marriage. It has been one of those ways that I think God is using my pain for His glory type situations. Like I said from pain comes answers! It has all come full circle.



I am so glad that I have been able to learn valuable lessons from my mistakes. I see so many people who do not realize the mistakes they made and go back to doing the same things again. I have learned also what exactly it is that I want. I have decided that no matter what, I will not settle for anything less than everything. And that is in everything that I do. I know now that I deserve all the things that God is blessing me with. I deserve to be loved unconditionally, and in turn I know that I will not settle for anything that is not true love. It is very liberating to know exactly what it is that I want, and knowing that I will have that because I deserve it. That is just a bonus from this past year, my biggest blessing is realizing that my children are my world. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that they grow up to be successful in all that they do.

In the meantime, I am always struggling to find exactly where it is that my life is going. I know that wherever God chooses to lead me, it will be for the best and that He truly is the only one with the answers.

Life

The meaning of life to me is one of those things that I will never know or understand.

Some days I think that the meaning of life comes from your family. My family is my most amazing accomplishment, and to me they are my meaning. My girls are the most important factor in my decision making, they are the reason that I get up in the morning and go to work. They are the reason I am always trying to better myself. I never want to disappoint my children although I know it will happen. I am a better momma because of my children. I will always be thankful to them for that. It amazes me how much of a better mother I am now. Before I had the luxury of being the fun momma, and never had to really worry about much of anything.....now however, I am the one that takes care of them, I am the one that works full time and still makes time to do all the things we did before and then some. But if it were not for my kids, how easy it would have been to walk away from everything and not look back. The girls have forced me to look at myself and exam who I am. I know now that bc of them I make sure that there is open communication between Chase and I. I do not by any means have to do that, but I want them to see that just bc people make mistakes, we should always forgive. They have made me want to be a better christian. I want them to look at me and be proud. I think that I would literally die if I ever heard my kids say "she's our mom so we have to love her, but I am not gonna do anything the way she did things" They are my world and they give me true meaning.

Other days I think that the meaning of life comes from the people that we are privileged to call friends. I have so very close friends that I have depended on a lot lately. I know if I ever needed them they would be there in a heartbeat. I know that they could say the same about me, and I think that my friends give me purpose in this life. Over the past year, my friends have had to become my family. I am living in a state with out any family around, and my friends are theones that I tend to call when I am in need. One of the best feelings to me is knowing that you can have those friend in your life that you can consider family. I have been extremely blessed to find that over and over again in my life. Without them my life would not have much meaning.

Everyday I know that my true meaning and purpose in this life comes from God. I know that he has placed these children and friends in my life because he knows what I need more than anyone, especially better than I. I have made so many decisions lately that have not been what God would have wanted me to choose. I know that by making these decisions I have truly put God in the backseat of my life and asked him sit tight..... I have been looking at things more clearly over the past few days, and have made some decisions that are gonna make everyone in my life happy. I want everyone I know to be proud of me and respect me, but right now more than anything I want to be able to say with out a doubt in my mind that my Lord is proud of me and the decisions that I am making. I want for him to pour into me the meaning of my life, and help me to see it with open eyes and an open heart.

I think that my love of people, and my love for the Lord are what gives me meaning in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to look back on my life and see the true meaning of life thru the choices I have made. Hopefully when I die, people will look at my life and be inspired to do good. And maybe just maybe that is my meaning and my purpose for all that I do!

Hmmmmmmmmmm..................

This weekend the girls and I did a bunch of nothing, but got a lot done. How is that possible? Let's just say, we were worn out!
Here is some of our work:

This is Abbi's side of the room, and the one underneath is Emma's side! For whatever reason Emma's side kept turning out darker.

That all happened on Saturday.......Friday I went and picked up the kids and we headed to downtown Conway to get ready for the Kris Allen concert. We were all excited with our little bag of water and snacks (needed to stay properly hydrated) to get us thru the afternoon. The kids not so as excited as me, but they were excited none the less. We got to the area around 3:20p, and the concert was to start around 5p or so after the dinky little parade..... anyway. My kids are the type of girls that could be covered in lace from head to toe, but if they see mud, or a puddle, they are right there in the middle of it........need I say more as to what they did to entertain themselves during the waiting period!

Snack eating for Abbi!

snack posing for Emma!You cannot see from these two pictures, but there was a ginormous mud puddle behind them, that they kept getting into. At one point Emma picked up a rock and tossed it into the middle of it, and muddy water went everywhere!!! We left soon after that.

Sunday morning Emma came in and asked what was for breakfast, but as soon as she looked at me she remembered that it was Mothers Day. She ran off to who knows where, and brought back a present from her, and one from Abbi. Abbi followed her with a healthy breakfastof chocolate donuts. We opened presents, and ate donuts in bed.......a perfect mothers day!! I got up and hopped in the shower, hoping that we would be on time for church. The girls got themselves dressed, washed up and ready to go. We went to church, out to lunch, and then home to do some more nothing around here. We finished the weekend at house church last night, and it was one of the best weekends we have had in a long time! I am so glad for lazy weekends to spend with the loves of my life.......I do not know what I would do without my girls!

Prayer for the DAY!!

Give me the heart of a servant, Tender and Faithful and True
Fill me with Love and use me Oh Lord, so that the world can see you!!

If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!!!

Ok, so seriously that is what someone said to me today! Now I know that I am not having the abundance of luck oozing from my life, but it is not that bad. When he said it, I kinda just stopped and thought, "he just does not know me at all" And he did not say anything that at the moment was not true, it is just in how you look at the circumstances.

Let me set the stage if you will. Today was my meeting day in LR at Disney, I have to be there at 8:30am, not a huge problem. The morningwas going great, I took Abbi to Steph who in turn took her to school, and then Emma to school for her to eat breakfast there with friends. So I was on my way to LR by 7:25am. It was looking great, I got onto the freeway, and it was going slow, bc noone here knows how to drive in the rain(crazy as that is) so I have plenty of time and I am feeling good. I am in my little loaner car from the dealership, just tooling along. i keep hearing this dreadful noise, but think nothing of it, but see that everyone on my right is looking at me funny. I rolled the window down and asked the man in the lane beside me if Ihad a flat tire, and no surprise he said "yep, you done had it for a while" So, i asked him if he would let me over to the right hand side of the road, and he did. Now I am totally thinking that this is just my luck, but this man will probably help me.......yeah right! He kept going, and so did every other car for the next 15 minutes. I called the dealership and that is when the conversation of my luck came into play. I sat and thought about it, and got a little mad. So i opened the door to go look for the spare, not being my car, I had no idea where it was. Anyhow, I guess at that moment I caught the eye of not one, but two gentlemen, who then proceeded to make their way over from the left hand lane to help me.....pays to wear high heels on a rainy day! :) So a state trooper and a very nice young man helped me change my tire this morning.

I was at my 8:30am meeting by 9am!! NOt bad! I do not think that my luck was bad, I do think that today was a lesson in patience. And how we deal with things when it just is not going our way. I am not sure if I failed or passed the test, but I kept it together, I did not cry or get too terribly upset, I was a little miffed, but nothing out of control. I think that I am learning to deal with stress better now. And this was just another daily reminder that God is in control! I sat and waited and then he provided the answer for me. So it wasn't really luck, it was more of a trust and faith issue. Hopefully I passed!!

MONDAYS!!

You all know what I am talking about.....you do not want to get out of bed, and when you do, you hope that it will be uneventful!

That was my hope for today. I was looking at a smooth productive day without any hiccups! It started off with the usual run around to get to school for Emma Claire, and then I came home to work. First I called around about tires and brakes and stuff like that, and then made my move on planning out the days events. I found a place that had used tires, that could do all the other stuff too that Ineeded, so I went there. Here is my day on a timeline.

9am- tire place
10 am-picked up by Stephanie to go home and wait for car stuff to be done
11am-call tire place to see if they are done.....no luck
12p-call again
1p-conference call(noone else called in on)
1:30p-call tire place
2p-go back to tire place for car
3p- head to dealership for brake warranty stuff
wait until 4:30p when they gave me a loaner to come home in
5pcall dealership to see if I will be reimbursed for all the brake work Ihad done earlier that morning! (answer was yes)


So during my little time at home and between work calls, I was on facebook(evil addiction) and I started chatting with a guy I went to highschool with. He was nice in school, but truthfully I did not know him all that well. Anyhow, he was asking me about the tires, bc I had not been able to find tires earlier today. I told him what I needed and he asked where I lived, so I told him...though the was just being nice and concerned. Then he sends me a message that he had bought me 4 brand new tires at a place here in Conway!!!! Wait, what? Yep, he and his wife gave me the gift of new tires for my car. I was shocked and overjoyed! You hear of these things, but never think they will happen to you! I asked him why he was doing this, and he said that this morning he felt the urge to look at my facebook page. He saw that I was needing new tires, and wanted to help me out. He said that God had blessed him and his wife and they wanted to help out another single mom, who was having a rough time. Wow!! He said that God had led him to my page and told him to help me. I am not one to question God's motives, so I of course accepted this help from him!

I immediately called my friend Joe, who had to listen to me cry yet again over something that touched my heart. I told him what had happened, bc he had talked me thru the purchasing of used tires earlier in the day! He, like me had a rough patch after his divorce, and so I think he feels sorry for me, which is ok by me, cause he is an awesome friend! He also is one who I think was sent to me by God! He has been there thru a lot of tough times that I have been having, and he is someone that I know I would probably never had run into, if it not had been led by God!

So my crazy Monday, turned out to be one of the most amazing days for me. I love those days when you can look out and see God working in your life. I know that even though I had turned away from Him so many times, he was still there watching over me. And he is continuosly blessing me thru my friendships with all of these amazing people! 10 years ago, I would never have been able to sit here and tell you that I am going to be blessed immeasurably by God to the point that I will see this type of impact on my life. never in a million years would I have ever thought that some of my main people in my life would have been complete strangers. But here I am.

I know now that the things Ihave done for others in the past that I felt went overlooked, were not done in vain. And I am ready to do whatever the Lord wants in my life. Here I am, Lord send me!!

Found this, and LOVE this!

*****God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. ******


I found this on a girls Facebook status, and absolutely loved it. I have been trying to figure out why things keep happening the way that they do in my life, with no explanation to it. I am being molded into the person God wants me to be. I am sure that everyone else can see this so very clearly, but to me it has been so hard to see past the end of my nose. I love the fact that I do have friends who can step back and look at my life and offer guidance. They are the ones that I go to for the important stuff like why do I keep getting hurt with the decisions that I make?

I have some guy friends that I go to for advice alot. One in particular that has just been there for me since Christmas, and has been one of the main people I have leaned on in hard times. I think that a good deal of the people in my life are here to help guide me in my decision making process. For the first time in my life, I am out having to pay my own bills, and have my car worked on, and make a living for myself and the girls! That is a lot of firsts for me especially since the fam is out of state and all.

I have asked the guys that I am around about the tires and brakes issue that I am having, and I realize that I will probably be takin advantage of at the tire place, but that is just another lesson i am gonna have to learn. I am learning to swallow my pride and admit that I am a girl that does not know what I am doing.....which is extremely hard for me. Ask anyone that is around me, I am not wrong very often. Or at least I do not admit to it! HA So here I sit, in my little house, surrounded by pictures of all those I love and those who love me, google-ing buying tires and getting brakes put on the car information sites.....and I feel like a complete dork! But I do not want the guy at the tire place to know that I have no clue as to what I am talking about tomorrow! I really need to get this pride thing under control!

I am starting to understand why I am in the place in my life that I am in.
1. I made the decision to put my marriage on the chopping block. I had two choices, and I made the wrong one. I admit that now, but it was way easier to place the blame on the other party.
2. The choices I have made since then have not been ideal for me either. I started to date way tooo soon after my divorce was final. And now I am dealing with all of that.
3. I have this really competitive side to me that I think has laid dormant for the past few years! But it is pushing me to become the super successful business woman that I have always wanted to be. It is really awesome to see the things that I want come to fruition!
4. I left the church home that I had for the past 10 years and went to the other one across town, and started over. And by doing that, I found myself again. I found the true meaning of Christs love and God's grace! It is inspiring to walk into a building and feel the Holy Spirit surround you! I am so glad that I made the change!!

I also had to start over with making new friends. I have never had a problem with making new friends, but it was like I had noone there anymore that understood. I know that I did have my friends from before, but I felt so alone. Now did I make wise decisions in my friend making? Of course not, but I have learned so much from everyone that I have had connections with. Its funny how as time goes by, I see things in myself that I never would have thought I would be strong enough to do, but by watching others endure the same obstacles, I have gained wisdom. I have one friend that I go out with.......it is not a wise choice in friends as far as making healthy decisions, but she has been there for me when I have been at the very end of my rope. I also have my friends like Heather and Stephanie who will sit and listen to all of my troubles and offer up advice, granted I do not always ever take their advice, even though I should from the get go, I learn my lesson and then do things the way they had advised me to.

Now there are those who have entered my life and left a huge impact on me, and then left it again. From those people I have learned that I am stronger than I ever knew I could be. They brought me happiness and love and then walked out taking small peices of my heart with them. Luckily those other friends have been there to help me salvage the pieces and put it all together again.

I thank God daily for all of the people in my life. I am seeing that He is making me into who I need to be. I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had so far in life, and I am anxious to see where exactly my life is headed and who I will be able to touch on my journey. I am also seeing that these experiences will allo me to help other women who get themselves in to the some of the same situations that I have over the years. My friend Joe told me the other day that You have people in your life that can help you bc someone has helped them. I am so glad that he told me that, bc now I know that I am destined to help others.

Hope

My Hope is built on nothing less than Jesus love and righteousness.........

Why is this so hard to live by? I mean it is so simple, why am I struggling with this?

This is my simple prayer:

Lord help me to focus on what is important in my life and the life of my children.
Help me to be the strong example for my girls that I long to be.
Give me the patience to get thru this and the peace of mind that I am making the right decisions.
Be with those friends of mine that do not know you and help me to be an example to them.
Thank you for all the blessings you have given our little family, we love you and we glorify your name in all that we do.
Amen

Happiness

So, the last time I wrote it was sad news. Two days after that news I was hit with some more unpleasant news. The man that I have been seeing was activated to go over to Afghanistan. I knew it was coming, but it took me by surprise. So I have been so emotional due to that! When it rains over here with bad news, I have started to just expect it to flood. I think though that with the struggles I have personally endured, that I am going to be stronger on the other side. or at least let's hope and cross our fingers!!

I have had so much time to reflect over the past couple of weeks, and have held many things close to my heart. It often astonishes me, how a year can just fly by in no time flat. Chase and I seperated close to a year ago......but it still seems like it was just yesterday. Odd how I know we are so much better apart than we were together, but still there is the question of did the right answer to the problem occur? I mean was divorce the best answer? I know that there is no going back by any means, nor do I want to, but did it have to end so hatefully?

I am in the process of finding the best place for me to be in. I want to make sure that i am doing what is best for my kids, and for myself. I want to give them what they need, and eventually what they want! Oh to have a bigger bank account and smaller bills......i think as long as they are healthy and happy, I will be good!

Hopefully your world is going great. Ours is still going, so hopefully it will continue to get better!

Sadness

I am extremely sad tonight! A friend of my sister's family has died, and left a wife and two small children behind. Zeke was 5 and Kaelyn is 2. I know that they knew the end was coming, but it never eases the pain of that loss. I have cried today as I thought of the hurt his family is enduring. I reflected on my own marriage, and honestly felt horrible. I hurt for Jenny, she truly loved her husband with all of her heart. She stood by him in the darkest hours, during the treatments and also the last breaths.

I am humbled by this love. It is the love that I am hope and pray to find! It amazes me how one couple has made me rethink my own mistakes. I know that God has blessed so many thru the lives of Brad and Jenny Wims. Their committment to each other, and to God is a blessing to me. I can look at all they have been thru over the past two years of Brad being sick, and marvel at all of God's grace.

Today is a sad day but also a very happy day, because Brad is now in heaven. He has reached the ultimate goal, the one we all strive for on this earth. He is sitting in heaven with our great and merciful Father, rejoicing and enjoying the great reward. Please say a prayer of comfort for the family of Brad and Jenny Wims in the loss of a great man. He will be greatly missed!

UGH!!!

I hate stress, and it seems like I am forever stressed! I am of course in counseling, for all of my stuff that I have been dealing with, and my biggest issue is that I am codependent. I have read so much about it, that I honestly do not want to even think about it. It does not mean that I have a drinking problem or drugs or anything like that......MY PROBLEM is that I like to take care of people.

How is that a problem? Oh, let me tell you, it is a huge problem. I will drop everything to bail someone out of trouble, I put everyone before myself and my family. It is not a healthy way to be, but yet I find myself in situations where I am putting my friends and their issues before my own. I have overcome my little problem by leaps and bounds over the past six months. I have started standing up for myself, in ways that I honestly never thought that I would. The good news is that Kathy(the counselor) has decided that I am healthier now than I was when we first started. I was going twice a month, and it has tapered off to where I am at once every two months!!! Hooray!!! That was some of the best news I have recieved in a long time!

Why is it that as we get older, the stress gets more and more unbearable? It is the same stresses we had as young people ( or at least for me)!! I have the same issues with friends. it is easier for me to be friends with guys, because there is less drama. However, now that the word high maintenance is used.......well of course I am constantly being told by my guy friends that I am just that!! And I am sorry, but that to me is like cussing me out. So stop it! It offends me.....and yes, I know that I am, I just do not like hearing it!!! I have had a rough week with trying to find my place in this world of single. I keep going back and forth with what I want. Which once again, I know is part of my high maintenance problem, but come on it has not been quite a year since we seperated!!

Most people that read this (Heather) know me pretty well and will agree with me( ahem) that I am coping well with the circumstances. NOw, I do not like being broke all the time, and not being able to do as much with the girls as I did before, but I am making it on my own. One of my goals for this year was to be able to support myself and my girls with my job. I have been able to do that so far, and I know it will be hard, but I will overcome this. The one thing i have learned about myself over the last 11 months, is that I can do this. I had never been alone in my life until all of this divorce and seperation happened. I never thought that I would ever be able to do it, but here I am! I am living in my house by myself two nights a week and every other weekend! That alone is enough to make me see the light. If I can do that, there is no stopping me. I still have not conquered the going to dinner by myself, in a restaraunt. It gives me this achy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just cannot do it. But I will. It is a goal. I never thought i would ever go to the movies by myself either, and I was successful in doing that.

Now, if I could just get the stress thing under control!! Oh, and my competitive side. For some reason I have become out of control with that one!!! So this week, I am striving for peace. I need peace in my life. If you think about our little family during the day, please pray for us. Pray that I will have peace and the patience to go with it!!!

Wow, it has been a while!

So, it is time to reflect on the past year. Well, I guess really that time has passed, but I am choosing to do it now.....

Over the past year, I have gone from humble kneeling before the throne, to thinking I had all the answers! I am admitting it right now, I have been playing with fire and been in total disrespect of those around me! I have been completely selfish, mean, rude, and uncaring of my behavior and attitude. I sound like the perfect Christian example to my kids........

So now where am I? What do I do now?

I am not gonna hide the fact that I dated the "perfect' guy right after my divorce was final, only to find out that he was not so perfect. Why is that? Why am I all of a sudden thinking that I am this great judge of character?

I have learned a few things in counseling, and one of those things is that I am NOT IN CONTROL of what I think I am in control of. Example: When I was dating Ben, I thought that I was on cloud nine! He was perfection.....Oh yeah, I was wrong!! The only perfection in human form was not the guy I was dating....He is my Lord and Savior! I took the control from him and tried to do what I thought was the best for me. It's funny how God has a subtle way of letting you figure it out! He was not all that subtle in my case, but I got it!!

I had started to miss church on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights, just because I did not want to go. I ask myself now, was it bc of my own guilt for things that I was doing? Or bc of the fact that I wanted to do something more fun than going to church. I am ashamed to admit it, but I had started to not care anymore what people thought of me. I did not care if they saw me out having a drink, or heaven forbid on a date! NOt to make light of it, but I was not caring about anything like that.

Now, let's talk about now. I am trying to turn it back around. I mean come on, this God that got me thru the absolute hardest time in my life is sitting waiting for me to turn back to Him and ask for help. And I was looking Him in the eye and saying "No thanks, I got it" I am so glad that I have a few friends that did not let me get away with actin this way for too long.

I am seeing that my actions almost always have a negative reaction when I act this way. I am watching my girls go from having two parents in the home, to having two homes. I know that is not how it was meant to be, and that kids need to have both parents all the time. I am VERY lucky to have married a man that is a GREaT daddy!! He puts the girls first, and I am grateful for that. I think that the kiddos are getting Chase at his very best when he has them, and me at my very best when I have them. But I do hate that they are having to grow up in a broken home, and the fact that I am the cause of it breaks my heart to pieces!

I have made the decision to do the right thing from here on out, no matter what the consequence may be. I have consistently said that I want my girls to grow up and be strong christian women, and I NEED to be that example. I want them to look to me, not someone else.

I think that hard times are in our lives to bring us closer to our goal in life, and that is spending eternity with our heavenly Father. This year has been an absolute roller coaster for me, and I am ready for the drama to be over with!!