Reflections

There are so many different ways to look at things in life. There is the way you see things, the way others see things and then there is the way that things are perceived. It is so easy to stand on the outside and look at a situation, but almost scarey to look out at the unknown when you are stuck in the middle of a mess.

Looking back over the last 16 years, I have made many mistakes....ones that I wish I could change, but at the time I was unable to see past the end of my nose. I think back to decisions I have made as far as my education, relationships I have had, and just immature choices, and I have learned so many lessons. I think that these times of reflection help you to see what you have learned to be a better person. It is so easy for me to see the problems in other relationships mine and other peoples. I think that the red flags are so very obvious, but like I said when you are on the inside looking out, it is a scarey place to be.

I am very happy with the place that I am in now, but for years I was the one too scared to get out of a bad situation. I will admit that I did not go about things the right way, and I do regret that, but the truth is I am no longer afraid to go out on my own. Before I was divorced, I had never been alone.....ever!! And even over the past year, I have always had some guy calling me and wanting to date. Right after my divorce I chose the men I dated very poorly, and have made the decision to just be still......SO HARD!!! I am not one to just let things happen, Ever!! But I have learned that I am not in control of anything that happens in my life. Things happen because God allows me to have those choices. For years I had a choice to work on my marriage, and I know that I should have gone to counseling even if it was alone. I could not make Chase go, but I could make that choice for myself. I entered into counseling over a year ago, and last month I was released because I was making healthy decisions on my own. I am standing up for myself and not letting people disrespect me in any way. I have finally learned the lesson that I am worth more than that. I can now stand before a crowd of people very confident, no more self doubt as to who I am. I am still unsure if I am going to find a partner in life to go thru all of this with, but I am for the most part ok with that. There are those lonely days and nights, where i do cry but my crying turns to prayer. I am very aware that God has a plan for my life and that in the stillness of my day it will be revealed to me.

Today on this one year of being divorced, I am taking time out to be still. I want to see the glory of God revealed in this stillness, because I know he has a plan for me. And I know whatever it is, it is going to be great!