looking for answers

One year ago today I was looking at the end of my marriage. On October 20, 2008, I walked into the courtroom in downtown Conway for the last time as Mrs. Chase Tucker. It is odd how within an hour I walked out as Marli.....plain and simple. I think back to that day now and it makes me cry. You go into a marriage with all of these wonderful thoughts about your future and your partnership to the person that you pledge to love until death. Then the years go by and like some couples, you start to grow apart from each other, in our case we both made decisions that were not healthy for our marriage. It is painful to look at it with eyes wide open, but honestly we were blindly going thru that marriage. Neither one of us was able to see the harm we were doing, along with pride and selfishness, our marriage was headed for the toilet.



As I walked out of the courtroom, I remember thinking that it was so easy to sign the paperwork, and make the decision to divorce. Much easier than getting married bc of all the hurt and the pain. As I walked out with my lawyer and my dad, I watched Chase and his crew walk off and I felt free. I know that sounds horrible, but it was a very free feeling. And then after we were in the car Kathy, my counselor, called me. I had not shed a tear yet, but within moments of talking to her, I was bawling. She assured me that I was a strong person and that I could do this. She told me that from here on out, it was up to me to be the one who determines my destiny.



This past year I have learned so much about myself.....I have finally learned how to say no to people. I have started making healthier choices about what I do. I have always struggled with trying to do things that i thought a "good" christian would do. Seriously why is this a struggle? It should be second nature, shouldn't it? One thing I can say without a doubt in my mind, is that I now have more respect for people who are able to face tough times head on. I think that God has blessed me during this challenge. He has shown me, that to be a good christian you have to love and accept everyone for who they are, faults and all. Now just bc you love and accept them for who they are, does not mean that you have to have them in your life. Sometimes you need to realize that not everyone is a good fit for your life.



Over the past year I have learned to respect my exhusband. I have been able to see that he is a wonderful daddy. He is all about my girls....100%!! It is kinda weird but we parent better now than we did when we were married. I think that now the kids can get a way with so much more, so we are forced to work as a team to make sure we keep them on the right track. Isn't that crazy? We are nicer to each other now too, but it has taken so long to get here. Thru pain, there comes an answer. It is sad that it took the dissolving of my marriage to open my eyes to what is the most important thing. I think that Chase would probably say the same thing....but I cannot speak for him at all.



Over the past year I have run into several people who were looking at the end of their marriages, and they have asked me for advice. I swear that I honestly feel that you can work on marriages and save them, as long as both parties are determined to do so. In our case there was no such luck. I was tired of the fighting, and all the negative junk, the vicious cycle that had become my life, I was tired of thinking about how wonderful it would be if I got the call that my husband was killed in a wreck!!! Yeah I said it!! I know it is crazy, but I swear the thoughts went thru my head! How freakin selfish is that? I was focused on me!! I did not want to have to go thru a divorce, so him dying would be the better solution? I am telling you that is how bad it was.....sadly I have talked to so many people who say that they have thought the same things about their spouses!! I asked Kathy about that, and she said that your mind does that when you have given up. That people start to look at how they will cope after the fact. Now, the screwed up part of that is that I never really thought about my kids in all of this. I was so extremely selfish. The first selfless thing I did was to tell my ex to move out. The girls had witnessed the violence first hand, and I was determined to break the cycle of abuse. I could not dare to think that I was going to be visiting my daughters one day and see them being treated the way that I was treated in my marriage. I also never wanted them to EVER have those thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like if my spouse died in a car wreck" bc they were unhappy in their marriages.



I hate to say it, but the knowledge that I have gained from my divorce is knowledge that I use to help others save their marriage. It has been one of those ways that I think God is using my pain for His glory type situations. Like I said from pain comes answers! It has all come full circle.



I am so glad that I have been able to learn valuable lessons from my mistakes. I see so many people who do not realize the mistakes they made and go back to doing the same things again. I have learned also what exactly it is that I want. I have decided that no matter what, I will not settle for anything less than everything. And that is in everything that I do. I know now that I deserve all the things that God is blessing me with. I deserve to be loved unconditionally, and in turn I know that I will not settle for anything that is not true love. It is very liberating to know exactly what it is that I want, and knowing that I will have that because I deserve it. That is just a bonus from this past year, my biggest blessing is realizing that my children are my world. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that they grow up to be successful in all that they do.

In the meantime, I am always struggling to find exactly where it is that my life is going. I know that wherever God chooses to lead me, it will be for the best and that He truly is the only one with the answers.