Honey.......I'm home!!

I have no interest in what you have to say.........

This week I have not been feeling very well, and have just been so very negative. I am usually a positive person, but my life has taken some turns here lately that I am just unable to make sense of. I am very guarded when it comes to my heart. I really very rarely let anyone in becuase of my fear of being hurt. I went against my better judgement and let someone in, and here I am hurt. I know I was wrong in making the decision to let this person in my life, I knew that in the situation we were in, that it would end badly......but yet after repeated warnings form my friends, and my heart, I still ignored everything and proceeded in that relationship.

Yes, I have learned another valuable lesson! But I already knew the outcome before it happened. I guess when you are on your own, and trying to make good decisions, every once and a while you slip up. Luckily I can see this for what it was, a huge mistake and a test of my character. I have said over the past few months that I will not SETTLE for anything less than everything. I deserve to have the best possible outcome for my life. Here is the tricky part, I know that God wants me to have the very best, but Satan keeps throwing up these tests.......ones that I sometimes pass with flying colors, but sometimes I barely make it thru.

I am a very open person, sometimes maybe a little too open for my own good. I believe that honesty is they very best way to manage life, if you are open and honest and have nothing to hide, then you are pretty much good to go. But if the people you surround yourself with are dishonest and sneaky, does that make you the same way by association? I have had someone tell me that you are who you hang out with. It was meant to be a slam on my character, but it made me angry to think that I was being judged on the character of others. I love my friends, they are my family, but they are seperate individuals form me. I like them, are able to make my own decisions and choices, and my decisions and choices are not based on their opinions. I have to make the right choices for me and my kiddos, and sometimes those decisions do not go along with what my friends think I should be doing. So when is it acceptable to tell someone that you have no interest in what they have to say when it come to your life?

I struggle with this only because I think that as christians we are held to a higher standard and I honestly do not want tohurt people. I know that when someone tells me that they think I go out with my friends too much, that they think they are saying what needs to be said tohelp my character. Most people who say that are not single parents, they are unaware of how a single parent does anything. I hear them say things like "I feel like a single parent when my spouse is out of town for a few weeks" But the reality of it is that they have no clue, and will never truly know what it is like until they are sitting in the same boat with you.

So please if you feel the need to judge me on how I am living my life and raising my children, I have no interest in what you have to say!

The girls

We have been having a good year! The girls are both doing really well in school, and are adjusting to the routine that we have this year. Emma is still at the school right behind our house, but Abbi goes to school across town....so, I get Emma to school around 7:30a and then drive thru three school zones to get Abbi to school by 8a. There are mornings when we are running late, and let's just say noone has a good day on those days. I am going to add some more pictures later, I need to get the ones up from Halloween and just our everyday goofing off!!

Sweet November

It's finally November, time for the holidays! I have always loved this time of year, when it cools off just a tad and the trees turn those amazing colors. I love taking the time to stop and look at all of the trees and taking time to see the beauty that God has blessed us with daily. So often we get in a hurry and the little things that are so wonderful get overlooked.

This coming Friday, November 6, the elementary schools will not have classes. Abbi is going to have school, but not my Emma. I am so excited, because we are going to have a mother daughter day. I never really get the chance to just be me and her, so I am really looking forward to it. I told her that we would go to lunch and then do all that girly stuff she loves to do. It has been more difficult to make time to do things with the kiddos on an individual basis. It seems like the weeks go by so much faster when the kids time is split between my house and Chase's. It seems like just yesterday was the first day of school, but we are almost ready for Thanksgiving break. I know that my girls are only young for such a short time in life, and so I want to make sure that we have all the quality time that we can together. I do spend more time it seems with Abbi Grace, I guess because she stayed with me the end of last year 3 days a week.

The past few weeks Emma has been doing really well in school. She was accepted in to the gifted and talented program, which she loves being in. She is so bright, and I am just so very proud of her. She had a rough start to the year, but I think she is starting to see that we all mean business, and that she is not going to get away with anything. I think that second grade is going to be a good year for her.

Abbi is really loving her school this year too. Last year it was like pulling teeth to get her to want to go to school, but this year the first question every morning is "momma is it a school day?" When I tell her that it is she has the same response every time "wooohooooo" She is sooo funny! I hate the weekends for her because she gets so upset that she does not get to see her friends at school! I love seeing her blossom this year. She has really done well at the ABC preschool, and bonus they have added speech to her therapy. I think that she will be more than ready for Kindergarten next year after this year. I am very proud of her and her accomplishments over the past few months in school.

We have had so much going on over the past few months, and I hope that we will have the chance over the holidays to slow down and focus on our little family. I never knew the struggles that I would face this past year would be so trying and difficult. It's funny how I kinda grew up thinking that life was fair, and everyone always got along as adults. Ha ha this is so not true. I am so glad that I have had this year to grow emotionally and really get to know who I was. I think that I am able to be a better momma to the girls now. I have the confidence finally and I know that I can take care of the girls on my own. Well of course I do have help from time to time.....but I am still raising these girls as a single mom, and for me that is huge. My mother never thought I would be able to do it on my own, so I know that there were many doubts on my abilities to care for them. I guess having not been able to make any decisions about anything for 10 1/2 years, I was unsure for myself if I could do it.

I am looking forward to the holidays this year too, because this is my year with the girls. Last year they spent all of Thanksgiving and the majority of Christmas with their daddy. I know they had fun, but I missed my girls. It is hard when they are your whole life, to go without them for 2 weeks straight. Emma asked me yesterday about putting the christmas tree up! I am very excited, last year I did it while they were gone and had it done, but this year we are going to put the tree up together! We are huge christmas decorators, so it will be fun to do it all together.

And this year we will also try to get Christmas cards out.....no promises of course, but we will make an effort!! Emma has asked if she and Abbi can help make food for Thanksgiving this year, so that will be a first time thing for me and them. Cross your fingers that it will go well!

Lucky

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you
Across the water, across the deep blue Ocean.....
Under the open sky, oh my, Baby I'm tryin

Boy I hear you, In my dreams
I feel your whisper, across the sea
I keep you with me, in my heart
you make it easier, when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again


They don't know how long it takes
waiting for a love like this
Everytime we say goodbye,
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you
I WILL

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday


And so I'm sailin through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, fill the air
I'll put a flower, in your hair


Through the breeze, through trees
More so pretty, you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning around
You hold me, right here, right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday


Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

We are Family!!

I wanted to do a post about my friends who are my family here in Arkansas!! Well not all of them are in Arkansas! Scott lives in Arlington, and we have known each other since college. He has been there for me so many times, and one of the most loyal and best friends I have ever had in my life.

Heather has let me be a part of her family, and has been there for me thru the divorce and now after. I have known her for years, but we became friends during the divorce and now after we are still really close. I spent the majority of my holidays with her and her family last year, bc I didn't have my kiddos. She is like a sister to me, and I love her dearly.

This is my friend John. He is another one of my guy friends that I care about. He and I are went out a couple of times, but knew that we were much better at friends!! He and I have helped each other thru many breakups!! He is such a great guy and he has a really amazing girlfriend now, and i am so very happy that he has found happiness!! Love him!

Ali and I went thru our divorces together. I do not know if I could have made it without her. She was there for me, when I hit rock bottom!! She picked me up and got me back up on my feet. We are not as good of friends as we were a year ago, but I know that she and I were friends when we needed each other the most.

My Best friend!!! Stacy is one of my favorite people in this world. We were introduced at a girls night party at our mutual friend Crystals house. We hit it off! At the time we were both dating young officers in the Army!! She is marrying her soldier in the spring. We started hanging out more and more, and I have to tell you she is the greatest. I absolutely freakin love her. She and I are together most of the time. Today she flew to see her soldier in Florida, but had to sit at the airport for a few hours in Little Rock, so I went and had breakfast with her at the airport!! I would do anything for her, and I know she would do the same, and has for me. LOVE HER!!!

These are my girls, Crystal and Stacy! I honestly think that these two were put in my life because my family is in another state. I met Crystal in January 2008, she was my personal trainer to help me get ready for my half marathon. She and I are alot alike, but do not get to spend as much time together bc of her Army schedule. She is one that brought me food when I was laid up in bed with a busted up knee. I know that she and I are the type of friends that will be friends no matter what, no matter where we end up living in the future. Stacy and Crystal are my single mom friends, and I would not know what to do with out them. I love my girls!

Reflections

There are so many different ways to look at things in life. There is the way you see things, the way others see things and then there is the way that things are perceived. It is so easy to stand on the outside and look at a situation, but almost scarey to look out at the unknown when you are stuck in the middle of a mess.

Looking back over the last 16 years, I have made many mistakes....ones that I wish I could change, but at the time I was unable to see past the end of my nose. I think back to decisions I have made as far as my education, relationships I have had, and just immature choices, and I have learned so many lessons. I think that these times of reflection help you to see what you have learned to be a better person. It is so easy for me to see the problems in other relationships mine and other peoples. I think that the red flags are so very obvious, but like I said when you are on the inside looking out, it is a scarey place to be.

I am very happy with the place that I am in now, but for years I was the one too scared to get out of a bad situation. I will admit that I did not go about things the right way, and I do regret that, but the truth is I am no longer afraid to go out on my own. Before I was divorced, I had never been alone.....ever!! And even over the past year, I have always had some guy calling me and wanting to date. Right after my divorce I chose the men I dated very poorly, and have made the decision to just be still......SO HARD!!! I am not one to just let things happen, Ever!! But I have learned that I am not in control of anything that happens in my life. Things happen because God allows me to have those choices. For years I had a choice to work on my marriage, and I know that I should have gone to counseling even if it was alone. I could not make Chase go, but I could make that choice for myself. I entered into counseling over a year ago, and last month I was released because I was making healthy decisions on my own. I am standing up for myself and not letting people disrespect me in any way. I have finally learned the lesson that I am worth more than that. I can now stand before a crowd of people very confident, no more self doubt as to who I am. I am still unsure if I am going to find a partner in life to go thru all of this with, but I am for the most part ok with that. There are those lonely days and nights, where i do cry but my crying turns to prayer. I am very aware that God has a plan for my life and that in the stillness of my day it will be revealed to me.

Today on this one year of being divorced, I am taking time out to be still. I want to see the glory of God revealed in this stillness, because I know he has a plan for me. And I know whatever it is, it is going to be great!