UGH!!!

I hate stress, and it seems like I am forever stressed! I am of course in counseling, for all of my stuff that I have been dealing with, and my biggest issue is that I am codependent. I have read so much about it, that I honestly do not want to even think about it. It does not mean that I have a drinking problem or drugs or anything like that......MY PROBLEM is that I like to take care of people.

How is that a problem? Oh, let me tell you, it is a huge problem. I will drop everything to bail someone out of trouble, I put everyone before myself and my family. It is not a healthy way to be, but yet I find myself in situations where I am putting my friends and their issues before my own. I have overcome my little problem by leaps and bounds over the past six months. I have started standing up for myself, in ways that I honestly never thought that I would. The good news is that Kathy(the counselor) has decided that I am healthier now than I was when we first started. I was going twice a month, and it has tapered off to where I am at once every two months!!! Hooray!!! That was some of the best news I have recieved in a long time!

Why is it that as we get older, the stress gets more and more unbearable? It is the same stresses we had as young people ( or at least for me)!! I have the same issues with friends. it is easier for me to be friends with guys, because there is less drama. However, now that the word high maintenance is used.......well of course I am constantly being told by my guy friends that I am just that!! And I am sorry, but that to me is like cussing me out. So stop it! It offends me.....and yes, I know that I am, I just do not like hearing it!!! I have had a rough week with trying to find my place in this world of single. I keep going back and forth with what I want. Which once again, I know is part of my high maintenance problem, but come on it has not been quite a year since we seperated!!

Most people that read this (Heather) know me pretty well and will agree with me( ahem) that I am coping well with the circumstances. NOw, I do not like being broke all the time, and not being able to do as much with the girls as I did before, but I am making it on my own. One of my goals for this year was to be able to support myself and my girls with my job. I have been able to do that so far, and I know it will be hard, but I will overcome this. The one thing i have learned about myself over the last 11 months, is that I can do this. I had never been alone in my life until all of this divorce and seperation happened. I never thought that I would ever be able to do it, but here I am! I am living in my house by myself two nights a week and every other weekend! That alone is enough to make me see the light. If I can do that, there is no stopping me. I still have not conquered the going to dinner by myself, in a restaraunt. It gives me this achy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just cannot do it. But I will. It is a goal. I never thought i would ever go to the movies by myself either, and I was successful in doing that.

Now, if I could just get the stress thing under control!! Oh, and my competitive side. For some reason I have become out of control with that one!!! So this week, I am striving for peace. I need peace in my life. If you think about our little family during the day, please pray for us. Pray that I will have peace and the patience to go with it!!!