Lucky

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you
Across the water, across the deep blue Ocean.....
Under the open sky, oh my, Baby I'm tryin

Boy I hear you, In my dreams
I feel your whisper, across the sea
I keep you with me, in my heart
you make it easier, when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again


They don't know how long it takes
waiting for a love like this
Everytime we say goodbye,
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you
I WILL

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday


And so I'm sailin through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, fill the air
I'll put a flower, in your hair


Through the breeze, through trees
More so pretty, you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning around
You hold me, right here, right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be comin home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be comin home someday


Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

We are Family!!

I wanted to do a post about my friends who are my family here in Arkansas!! Well not all of them are in Arkansas! Scott lives in Arlington, and we have known each other since college. He has been there for me so many times, and one of the most loyal and best friends I have ever had in my life.

Heather has let me be a part of her family, and has been there for me thru the divorce and now after. I have known her for years, but we became friends during the divorce and now after we are still really close. I spent the majority of my holidays with her and her family last year, bc I didn't have my kiddos. She is like a sister to me, and I love her dearly.

This is my friend John. He is another one of my guy friends that I care about. He and I are went out a couple of times, but knew that we were much better at friends!! He and I have helped each other thru many breakups!! He is such a great guy and he has a really amazing girlfriend now, and i am so very happy that he has found happiness!! Love him!

Ali and I went thru our divorces together. I do not know if I could have made it without her. She was there for me, when I hit rock bottom!! She picked me up and got me back up on my feet. We are not as good of friends as we were a year ago, but I know that she and I were friends when we needed each other the most.

My Best friend!!! Stacy is one of my favorite people in this world. We were introduced at a girls night party at our mutual friend Crystals house. We hit it off! At the time we were both dating young officers in the Army!! She is marrying her soldier in the spring. We started hanging out more and more, and I have to tell you she is the greatest. I absolutely freakin love her. She and I are together most of the time. Today she flew to see her soldier in Florida, but had to sit at the airport for a few hours in Little Rock, so I went and had breakfast with her at the airport!! I would do anything for her, and I know she would do the same, and has for me. LOVE HER!!!

These are my girls, Crystal and Stacy! I honestly think that these two were put in my life because my family is in another state. I met Crystal in January 2008, she was my personal trainer to help me get ready for my half marathon. She and I are alot alike, but do not get to spend as much time together bc of her Army schedule. She is one that brought me food when I was laid up in bed with a busted up knee. I know that she and I are the type of friends that will be friends no matter what, no matter where we end up living in the future. Stacy and Crystal are my single mom friends, and I would not know what to do with out them. I love my girls!

Reflections

There are so many different ways to look at things in life. There is the way you see things, the way others see things and then there is the way that things are perceived. It is so easy to stand on the outside and look at a situation, but almost scarey to look out at the unknown when you are stuck in the middle of a mess.

Looking back over the last 16 years, I have made many mistakes....ones that I wish I could change, but at the time I was unable to see past the end of my nose. I think back to decisions I have made as far as my education, relationships I have had, and just immature choices, and I have learned so many lessons. I think that these times of reflection help you to see what you have learned to be a better person. It is so easy for me to see the problems in other relationships mine and other peoples. I think that the red flags are so very obvious, but like I said when you are on the inside looking out, it is a scarey place to be.

I am very happy with the place that I am in now, but for years I was the one too scared to get out of a bad situation. I will admit that I did not go about things the right way, and I do regret that, but the truth is I am no longer afraid to go out on my own. Before I was divorced, I had never been alone.....ever!! And even over the past year, I have always had some guy calling me and wanting to date. Right after my divorce I chose the men I dated very poorly, and have made the decision to just be still......SO HARD!!! I am not one to just let things happen, Ever!! But I have learned that I am not in control of anything that happens in my life. Things happen because God allows me to have those choices. For years I had a choice to work on my marriage, and I know that I should have gone to counseling even if it was alone. I could not make Chase go, but I could make that choice for myself. I entered into counseling over a year ago, and last month I was released because I was making healthy decisions on my own. I am standing up for myself and not letting people disrespect me in any way. I have finally learned the lesson that I am worth more than that. I can now stand before a crowd of people very confident, no more self doubt as to who I am. I am still unsure if I am going to find a partner in life to go thru all of this with, but I am for the most part ok with that. There are those lonely days and nights, where i do cry but my crying turns to prayer. I am very aware that God has a plan for my life and that in the stillness of my day it will be revealed to me.

Today on this one year of being divorced, I am taking time out to be still. I want to see the glory of God revealed in this stillness, because I know he has a plan for me. And I know whatever it is, it is going to be great!

Sadness

I absolutely hate those days when I am sad! That is a lot of negative in just that one statement..... I have been dealing with something lately that I am having a hard time with. I can now say that I have met the man of my dreams. He has a name and a face and he is perfect, well almost perfect. I have never had someone love me the way that he loves me to the point that I never want it to end. I love him with all of my heart, he is the man I have been waiting my whole life to meet! I can honestly say that and know that he is exactly everything I have wanted. So, why am I sad? Because unfortunately our timing is bad and we cannot have this perfect love that I have looked for my entire life.

I am not that person that is gonna be hateful towards those that have found their perfection, but somedays I wonder if it will ever happen for me. I honestly want to have that, I mean the kind of love where you put the other person first. Where you do things for them even though you don't like those things. I have never found any man that I have dated as a young woman and now as an adult that I would do that for......with this one exception. Seriously, I know this is one of those poor pitiful me posts, butI DESERVE this love. I deserve to love someone like that and deserve to have them love me back the same way. NOW I have to admit that I am not currently even wanting to date. I have been hurt so many times, and I want to just be on my own without the hassle of dating right now. Ugh.....these days just make me tired!!

Life lessons

Tonight at house church we were talking about being Embraced by God(actually that is the book we are studying) the topic tonight was on having a good time. I thought it was funny, because over the past year I have learned to let go of all those things that made me grumpy. I have had to realize that stressing over things and walking around mad at the world was just not the way i wanted to be. I want my kiddos to remember these times as relaxed and fun, not full of too many rules and grumpiness. Now let me just say it has taken me some time to get to this point, and only a few of my super duper close friends even realize that I am stressed. But they are the only few that I trust in this world.....and I do mean few.

One of the questions asked was do you remember a time when you laughed so hard your sides hurt.....seriously, it is like every other day for me. I am not bragging by any means, it makes me sad that some of the people in the group could not really recall a time, or they had to think about it. I know how hard it is to let go of the little things, but I swear with my life I have had to let go. I am always saying that no matter what "we always land on our feet", and it has stood true to reason more times than not. I cannot let the little things get me down bc I am but one person trying to do God's will. If I let my guard down and let the grumpies in, Satan will get a hold of me. I truly believe that worry and stress is one way that satan takes a hold of our lives. I could not imagine giving him yet another way to tempt me.

I am not by any means saying that I am better than anyone......I have been the over worried mother of two kids trying to keep it all together. But ya know the harder I tried to do it myself, the further I was getting away from God. There was a direct corelation for me. When I worried, I was showing God that I did not trust what he thought was right for me. HELLOOOOOOO, seriously, when you think about it that way you really want to straighten it out in your life. My girls know that there is no way we would make it without God on our side. I am proud that they see me struggle with things, and when things turn out the way they do we thank God! Notice, I did not say that it turns out my way every time either.

Now here is the kicker, I would not be this person if I were still married........I am a true believer that "it is what it is" and while I was married, I was whatever my husband wanted me to be. I wasn't true to myself or who I believe God wanted me to be. I know the God hates divorce, and that it is not good, but now I trust in the Lord. For years I doubted everything, but now I know that from heart ache comes a rebirth in the spirit. I see the importance of knowing the Lord on an intimate level, and i have realized that I need to let go and let God worry for me. It is great to know that when you cast your cares on Jesus, your worry tends to turn to joy for life.

I have seen what is best for people here on earth. They should eat and drink and enjoy

their work, because the life God has given them on earth is short. God gives some

people the ability to enjoy the wealth and property he gives them, as well as the

ability to accept their state in life and enjoy their work. They do not worry about

how short life is, because God keeps them busy with what they love to do.

Ecclesiates 5:18-20

I am so glad that we studied this tonight at house church, bc it reminded me that God gives us all that we could ever want. We just need to decided if we are going to be happy with the life we have. I am so happy to have the time that I do with my children while they are young. They will not always be so easy to teach lessons to, but I know that being an examplle for them in life situations will teach them all the things they need to know. I truly hope that they will learn to have fun in life and enjoy the things that God has given them.

funny story

Emma Claire just came up to me and said "hey momma, why is it that you seem to always be happy, when everything is going bad?" Seriously how smart is my girl. I looked at her and asked her why she thought that I was happy when things got bad...."well, you are always happy momma, and like right now your knee is all messed up and we are having to help you do things around here, but you are still happy"

I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to share with her why we should always be happy....I started by saying that I am happy because I know that one day I am going to die and go to Heaven, and that every day we are given the choice of how we are going to deal with things. I asked her if she would rather go thru the day as a grump, and how she felt on those grumpy days. Then I asked her if it was more fun to be happy. She of course picked happy! Then came those words that made me proud to be her momma!! "I think that you are happy because you are strong, and you don't want me and Abbi to worry! And that's why you always laugh and say that it could always be worse but not to worry because we always land on our feet!"
I smiled at her, and gave her a big hug. It is good to know that when it is all said and done, that my kids understand that when life gets hard you have to look at the positive side of things. And that you have to make the choice of whether or not you will face life as a grump or with a smile and a laugh. At our house we are making the decision to be happy about the obstacles in our days, and I assured Emma that there is always someone watching to see how we deal with those obstacles. She of course being a seven year old girl decided to tell her sister that her grumpy days were numbered! haha

looking for answers

One year ago today I was looking at the end of my marriage. On October 20, 2008, I walked into the courtroom in downtown Conway for the last time as Mrs. Chase Tucker. It is odd how within an hour I walked out as Marli.....plain and simple. I think back to that day now and it makes me cry. You go into a marriage with all of these wonderful thoughts about your future and your partnership to the person that you pledge to love until death. Then the years go by and like some couples, you start to grow apart from each other, in our case we both made decisions that were not healthy for our marriage. It is painful to look at it with eyes wide open, but honestly we were blindly going thru that marriage. Neither one of us was able to see the harm we were doing, along with pride and selfishness, our marriage was headed for the toilet.



As I walked out of the courtroom, I remember thinking that it was so easy to sign the paperwork, and make the decision to divorce. Much easier than getting married bc of all the hurt and the pain. As I walked out with my lawyer and my dad, I watched Chase and his crew walk off and I felt free. I know that sounds horrible, but it was a very free feeling. And then after we were in the car Kathy, my counselor, called me. I had not shed a tear yet, but within moments of talking to her, I was bawling. She assured me that I was a strong person and that I could do this. She told me that from here on out, it was up to me to be the one who determines my destiny.



This past year I have learned so much about myself.....I have finally learned how to say no to people. I have started making healthier choices about what I do. I have always struggled with trying to do things that i thought a "good" christian would do. Seriously why is this a struggle? It should be second nature, shouldn't it? One thing I can say without a doubt in my mind, is that I now have more respect for people who are able to face tough times head on. I think that God has blessed me during this challenge. He has shown me, that to be a good christian you have to love and accept everyone for who they are, faults and all. Now just bc you love and accept them for who they are, does not mean that you have to have them in your life. Sometimes you need to realize that not everyone is a good fit for your life.



Over the past year I have learned to respect my exhusband. I have been able to see that he is a wonderful daddy. He is all about my girls....100%!! It is kinda weird but we parent better now than we did when we were married. I think that now the kids can get a way with so much more, so we are forced to work as a team to make sure we keep them on the right track. Isn't that crazy? We are nicer to each other now too, but it has taken so long to get here. Thru pain, there comes an answer. It is sad that it took the dissolving of my marriage to open my eyes to what is the most important thing. I think that Chase would probably say the same thing....but I cannot speak for him at all.



Over the past year I have run into several people who were looking at the end of their marriages, and they have asked me for advice. I swear that I honestly feel that you can work on marriages and save them, as long as both parties are determined to do so. In our case there was no such luck. I was tired of the fighting, and all the negative junk, the vicious cycle that had become my life, I was tired of thinking about how wonderful it would be if I got the call that my husband was killed in a wreck!!! Yeah I said it!! I know it is crazy, but I swear the thoughts went thru my head! How freakin selfish is that? I was focused on me!! I did not want to have to go thru a divorce, so him dying would be the better solution? I am telling you that is how bad it was.....sadly I have talked to so many people who say that they have thought the same things about their spouses!! I asked Kathy about that, and she said that your mind does that when you have given up. That people start to look at how they will cope after the fact. Now, the screwed up part of that is that I never really thought about my kids in all of this. I was so extremely selfish. The first selfless thing I did was to tell my ex to move out. The girls had witnessed the violence first hand, and I was determined to break the cycle of abuse. I could not dare to think that I was going to be visiting my daughters one day and see them being treated the way that I was treated in my marriage. I also never wanted them to EVER have those thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like if my spouse died in a car wreck" bc they were unhappy in their marriages.



I hate to say it, but the knowledge that I have gained from my divorce is knowledge that I use to help others save their marriage. It has been one of those ways that I think God is using my pain for His glory type situations. Like I said from pain comes answers! It has all come full circle.



I am so glad that I have been able to learn valuable lessons from my mistakes. I see so many people who do not realize the mistakes they made and go back to doing the same things again. I have learned also what exactly it is that I want. I have decided that no matter what, I will not settle for anything less than everything. And that is in everything that I do. I know now that I deserve all the things that God is blessing me with. I deserve to be loved unconditionally, and in turn I know that I will not settle for anything that is not true love. It is very liberating to know exactly what it is that I want, and knowing that I will have that because I deserve it. That is just a bonus from this past year, my biggest blessing is realizing that my children are my world. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that they grow up to be successful in all that they do.

In the meantime, I am always struggling to find exactly where it is that my life is going. I know that wherever God chooses to lead me, it will be for the best and that He truly is the only one with the answers.

Life

The meaning of life to me is one of those things that I will never know or understand.

Some days I think that the meaning of life comes from your family. My family is my most amazing accomplishment, and to me they are my meaning. My girls are the most important factor in my decision making, they are the reason that I get up in the morning and go to work. They are the reason I am always trying to better myself. I never want to disappoint my children although I know it will happen. I am a better momma because of my children. I will always be thankful to them for that. It amazes me how much of a better mother I am now. Before I had the luxury of being the fun momma, and never had to really worry about much of anything.....now however, I am the one that takes care of them, I am the one that works full time and still makes time to do all the things we did before and then some. But if it were not for my kids, how easy it would have been to walk away from everything and not look back. The girls have forced me to look at myself and exam who I am. I know now that bc of them I make sure that there is open communication between Chase and I. I do not by any means have to do that, but I want them to see that just bc people make mistakes, we should always forgive. They have made me want to be a better christian. I want them to look at me and be proud. I think that I would literally die if I ever heard my kids say "she's our mom so we have to love her, but I am not gonna do anything the way she did things" They are my world and they give me true meaning.

Other days I think that the meaning of life comes from the people that we are privileged to call friends. I have so very close friends that I have depended on a lot lately. I know if I ever needed them they would be there in a heartbeat. I know that they could say the same about me, and I think that my friends give me purpose in this life. Over the past year, my friends have had to become my family. I am living in a state with out any family around, and my friends are theones that I tend to call when I am in need. One of the best feelings to me is knowing that you can have those friend in your life that you can consider family. I have been extremely blessed to find that over and over again in my life. Without them my life would not have much meaning.

Everyday I know that my true meaning and purpose in this life comes from God. I know that he has placed these children and friends in my life because he knows what I need more than anyone, especially better than I. I have made so many decisions lately that have not been what God would have wanted me to choose. I know that by making these decisions I have truly put God in the backseat of my life and asked him sit tight..... I have been looking at things more clearly over the past few days, and have made some decisions that are gonna make everyone in my life happy. I want everyone I know to be proud of me and respect me, but right now more than anything I want to be able to say with out a doubt in my mind that my Lord is proud of me and the decisions that I am making. I want for him to pour into me the meaning of my life, and help me to see it with open eyes and an open heart.

I think that my love of people, and my love for the Lord are what gives me meaning in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to look back on my life and see the true meaning of life thru the choices I have made. Hopefully when I die, people will look at my life and be inspired to do good. And maybe just maybe that is my meaning and my purpose for all that I do!