Tonight at house church we were talking about being Embraced by God(actually that is the book we are studying) the topic tonight was on having a good time. I thought it was funny, because over the past year I have learned to let go of all those things that made me grumpy. I have had to realize that stressing over things and walking around mad at the world was just not the way i wanted to be. I want my kiddos to remember these times as relaxed and fun, not full of too many rules and grumpiness. Now let me just say it has taken me some time to get to this point, and only a few of my super duper close friends even realize that I am stressed. But they are the only few that I trust in this world.....and I do mean few.
One of the questions asked was do you remember a time when you laughed so hard your sides hurt.....seriously, it is like every other day for me. I am not bragging by any means, it makes me sad that some of the people in the group could not really recall a time, or they had to think about it. I know how hard it is to let go of the little things, but I swear with my life I have had to let go. I am always saying that no matter what "we always land on our feet", and it has stood true to reason more times than not. I cannot let the little things get me down bc I am but one person trying to do God's will. If I let my guard down and let the grumpies in, Satan will get a hold of me. I truly believe that worry and stress is one way that satan takes a hold of our lives. I could not imagine giving him yet another way to tempt me.
I am not by any means saying that I am better than anyone......I have been the over worried mother of two kids trying to keep it all together. But ya know the harder I tried to do it myself, the further I was getting away from God. There was a direct corelation for me. When I worried, I was showing God that I did not trust what he thought was right for me. HELLOOOOOOO, seriously, when you think about it that way you really want to straighten it out in your life. My girls know that there is no way we would make it without God on our side. I am proud that they see me struggle with things, and when things turn out the way they do we thank God! Notice, I did not say that it turns out my way every time either.
Now here is the kicker, I would not be this person if I were still married........I am a true believer that "it is what it is" and while I was married, I was whatever my husband wanted me to be. I wasn't true to myself or who I believe God wanted me to be. I know the God hates divorce, and that it is not good, but now I trust in the Lord. For years I doubted everything, but now I know that from heart ache comes a rebirth in the spirit. I see the importance of knowing the Lord on an intimate level, and i have realized that I need to let go and let God worry for me. It is great to know that when you cast your cares on Jesus, your worry tends to turn to joy for life.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Life lessons
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
funny story
Emma Claire just came up to me and said "hey momma, why is it that you seem to always be happy, when everything is going bad?" Seriously how smart is my girl. I looked at her and asked her why she thought that I was happy when things got bad...."well, you are always happy momma, and like right now your knee is all messed up and we are having to help you do things around here, but you are still happy"
I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to share with her why we should always be happy....I started by saying that I am happy because I know that one day I am going to die and go to Heaven, and that every day we are given the choice of how we are going to deal with things. I asked her if she would rather go thru the day as a grump, and how she felt on those grumpy days. Then I asked her if it was more fun to be happy. She of course picked happy! Then came those words that made me proud to be her momma!! "I think that you are happy because you are strong, and you don't want me and Abbi to worry! And that's why you always laugh and say that it could always be worse but not to worry because we always land on our feet!"
I smiled at her, and gave her a big hug. It is good to know that when it is all said and done, that my kids understand that when life gets hard you have to look at the positive side of things. And that you have to make the choice of whether or not you will face life as a grump or with a smile and a laugh. At our house we are making the decision to be happy about the obstacles in our days, and I assured Emma that there is always someone watching to see how we deal with those obstacles. She of course being a seven year old girl decided to tell her sister that her grumpy days were numbered! haha
looking for answers
One year ago today I was looking at the end of my marriage. On October 20, 2008, I walked into the courtroom in downtown Conway for the last time as Mrs. Chase Tucker. It is odd how within an hour I walked out as Marli.....plain and simple. I think back to that day now and it makes me cry. You go into a marriage with all of these wonderful thoughts about your future and your partnership to the person that you pledge to love until death. Then the years go by and like some couples, you start to grow apart from each other, in our case we both made decisions that were not healthy for our marriage. It is painful to look at it with eyes wide open, but honestly we were blindly going thru that marriage. Neither one of us was able to see the harm we were doing, along with pride and selfishness, our marriage was headed for the toilet.
As I walked out of the courtroom, I remember thinking that it was so easy to sign the paperwork, and make the decision to divorce. Much easier than getting married bc of all the hurt and the pain. As I walked out with my lawyer and my dad, I watched Chase and his crew walk off and I felt free. I know that sounds horrible, but it was a very free feeling. And then after we were in the car Kathy, my counselor, called me. I had not shed a tear yet, but within moments of talking to her, I was bawling. She assured me that I was a strong person and that I could do this. She told me that from here on out, it was up to me to be the one who determines my destiny.
This past year I have learned so much about myself.....I have finally learned how to say no to people. I have started making healthier choices about what I do. I have always struggled with trying to do things that i thought a "good" christian would do. Seriously why is this a struggle? It should be second nature, shouldn't it? One thing I can say without a doubt in my mind, is that I now have more respect for people who are able to face tough times head on. I think that God has blessed me during this challenge. He has shown me, that to be a good christian you have to love and accept everyone for who they are, faults and all. Now just bc you love and accept them for who they are, does not mean that you have to have them in your life. Sometimes you need to realize that not everyone is a good fit for your life.
Over the past year I have learned to respect my exhusband. I have been able to see that he is a wonderful daddy. He is all about my girls....100%!! It is kinda weird but we parent better now than we did when we were married. I think that now the kids can get a way with so much more, so we are forced to work as a team to make sure we keep them on the right track. Isn't that crazy? We are nicer to each other now too, but it has taken so long to get here. Thru pain, there comes an answer. It is sad that it took the dissolving of my marriage to open my eyes to what is the most important thing. I think that Chase would probably say the same thing....but I cannot speak for him at all.
Over the past year I have run into several people who were looking at the end of their marriages, and they have asked me for advice. I swear that I honestly feel that you can work on marriages and save them, as long as both parties are determined to do so. In our case there was no such luck. I was tired of the fighting, and all the negative junk, the vicious cycle that had become my life, I was tired of thinking about how wonderful it would be if I got the call that my husband was killed in a wreck!!! Yeah I said it!! I know it is crazy, but I swear the thoughts went thru my head! How freakin selfish is that? I was focused on me!! I did not want to have to go thru a divorce, so him dying would be the better solution? I am telling you that is how bad it was.....sadly I have talked to so many people who say that they have thought the same things about their spouses!! I asked Kathy about that, and she said that your mind does that when you have given up. That people start to look at how they will cope after the fact. Now, the screwed up part of that is that I never really thought about my kids in all of this. I was so extremely selfish. The first selfless thing I did was to tell my ex to move out. The girls had witnessed the violence first hand, and I was determined to break the cycle of abuse. I could not dare to think that I was going to be visiting my daughters one day and see them being treated the way that I was treated in my marriage. I also never wanted them to EVER have those thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like if my spouse died in a car wreck" bc they were unhappy in their marriages.
I hate to say it, but the knowledge that I have gained from my divorce is knowledge that I use to help others save their marriage. It has been one of those ways that I think God is using my pain for His glory type situations. Like I said from pain comes answers! It has all come full circle.
I am so glad that I have been able to learn valuable lessons from my mistakes. I see so many people who do not realize the mistakes they made and go back to doing the same things again. I have learned also what exactly it is that I want. I have decided that no matter what, I will not settle for anything less than everything. And that is in everything that I do. I know now that I deserve all the things that God is blessing me with. I deserve to be loved unconditionally, and in turn I know that I will not settle for anything that is not true love. It is very liberating to know exactly what it is that I want, and knowing that I will have that because I deserve it. That is just a bonus from this past year, my biggest blessing is realizing that my children are my world. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that they grow up to be successful in all that they do.
In the meantime, I am always struggling to find exactly where it is that my life is going. I know that wherever God chooses to lead me, it will be for the best and that He truly is the only one with the answers.
Life
The meaning of life to me is one of those things that I will never know or understand.
Some days I think that the meaning of life comes from your family. My family is my most amazing accomplishment, and to me they are my meaning. My girls are the most important factor in my decision making, they are the reason that I get up in the morning and go to work. They are the reason I am always trying to better myself. I never want to disappoint my children although I know it will happen. I am a better momma because of my children. I will always be thankful to them for that. It amazes me how much of a better mother I am now. Before I had the luxury of being the fun momma, and never had to really worry about much of anything.....now however, I am the one that takes care of them, I am the one that works full time and still makes time to do all the things we did before and then some. But if it were not for my kids, how easy it would have been to walk away from everything and not look back. The girls have forced me to look at myself and exam who I am. I know now that bc of them I make sure that there is open communication between Chase and I. I do not by any means have to do that, but I want them to see that just bc people make mistakes, we should always forgive. They have made me want to be a better christian. I want them to look at me and be proud. I think that I would literally die if I ever heard my kids say "she's our mom so we have to love her, but I am not gonna do anything the way she did things" They are my world and they give me true meaning.
Other days I think that the meaning of life comes from the people that we are privileged to call friends. I have so very close friends that I have depended on a lot lately. I know if I ever needed them they would be there in a heartbeat. I know that they could say the same about me, and I think that my friends give me purpose in this life. Over the past year, my friends have had to become my family. I am living in a state with out any family around, and my friends are theones that I tend to call when I am in need. One of the best feelings to me is knowing that you can have those friend in your life that you can consider family. I have been extremely blessed to find that over and over again in my life. Without them my life would not have much meaning.
Everyday I know that my true meaning and purpose in this life comes from God. I know that he has placed these children and friends in my life because he knows what I need more than anyone, especially better than I. I have made so many decisions lately that have not been what God would have wanted me to choose. I know that by making these decisions I have truly put God in the backseat of my life and asked him sit tight..... I have been looking at things more clearly over the past few days, and have made some decisions that are gonna make everyone in my life happy. I want everyone I know to be proud of me and respect me, but right now more than anything I want to be able to say with out a doubt in my mind that my Lord is proud of me and the decisions that I am making. I want for him to pour into me the meaning of my life, and help me to see it with open eyes and an open heart.
I think that my love of people, and my love for the Lord are what gives me meaning in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to look back on my life and see the true meaning of life thru the choices I have made. Hopefully when I die, people will look at my life and be inspired to do good. And maybe just maybe that is my meaning and my purpose for all that I do!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Hmmmmmmmmmm..................
Here is some of our work:
This is Abbi's side of the room, and the one underneath is Emma's side! For whatever reason Emma's side kept turning out darker.
That all happened on Saturday.......Friday I went and picked up the kids and we headed to downtown Conway to get ready for the Kris Allen concert. We were all excited with our little bag of water and snacks (needed to stay properly hydrated) to get us thru the afternoon. The kids not so as excited as me, but they were excited none the less. We got to the area around 3:20p, and the concert was to start around 5p or so after the dinky little parade..... anyway. My kids are the type of girls that could be covered in lace from head to toe, but if they see mud, or a puddle, they are right there in the middle of it........need I say more as to what they did to entertain themselves during the waiting period!
snack posing for Emma!
You cannot see from these two pictures, but there was a ginormous mud puddle behind them, that they kept getting into. At one point Emma picked up a rock and tossed it into the middle of it, and muddy water went everywhere!!! We left soon after that. Sunday morning Emma came in and asked what was for breakfast, but as soon as she looked at me she remembered that it was Mothers Day. She ran off to who knows where, and brought back a present from her, and one from Abbi. Abbi followed her with a healthy breakfastof chocolate donuts. We opened presents, and ate donuts in bed.......a perfect mothers day!! I got up and hopped in the shower, hoping that we would be on time for church. The girls got themselves dressed, washed up and ready to go. We went to church, out to lunch, and then home to do some more nothing around here. We finished the weekend at house church last night, and it was one of the best weekends we have had in a long time! I am so glad for lazy weekends to spend with the loves of my life.......I do not know what I would do without my girls!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Prayer for the DAY!!
Give me the heart of a servant, Tender and Faithful and True
Fill me with Love and use me Oh Lord, so that the world can see you!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!!!
Ok, so seriously that is what someone said to me today! Now I know that I am not having the abundance of luck oozing from my life, but it is not that bad. When he said it, I kinda just stopped and thought, "he just does not know me at all" And he did not say anything that at the moment was not true, it is just in how you look at the circumstances.
Let me set the stage if you will. Today was my meeting day in LR at Disney, I have to be there at 8:30am, not a huge problem. The morningwas going great, I took Abbi to Steph who in turn took her to school, and then Emma to school for her to eat breakfast there with friends. So I was on my way to LR by 7:25am. It was looking great, I got onto the freeway, and it was going slow, bc noone here knows how to drive in the rain(crazy as that is) so I have plenty of time and I am feeling good. I am in my little loaner car from the dealership, just tooling along. i keep hearing this dreadful noise, but think nothing of it, but see that everyone on my right is looking at me funny. I rolled the window down and asked the man in the lane beside me if Ihad a flat tire, and no surprise he said "yep, you done had it for a while" So, i asked him if he would let me over to the right hand side of the road, and he did. Now I am totally thinking that this is just my luck, but this man will probably help me.......yeah right! He kept going, and so did every other car for the next 15 minutes. I called the dealership and that is when the conversation of my luck came into play. I sat and thought about it, and got a little mad. So i opened the door to go look for the spare, not being my car, I had no idea where it was. Anyhow, I guess at that moment I caught the eye of not one, but two gentlemen, who then proceeded to make their way over from the left hand lane to help me.....pays to wear high heels on a rainy day! :) So a state trooper and a very nice young man helped me change my tire this morning.
I was at my 8:30am meeting by 9am!! NOt bad! I do not think that my luck was bad, I do think that today was a lesson in patience. And how we deal with things when it just is not going our way. I am not sure if I failed or passed the test, but I kept it together, I did not cry or get too terribly upset, I was a little miffed, but nothing out of control. I think that I am learning to deal with stress better now. And this was just another daily reminder that God is in control! I sat and waited and then he provided the answer for me. So it wasn't really luck, it was more of a trust and faith issue. Hopefully I passed!!
