funny story

Emma Claire just came up to me and said "hey momma, why is it that you seem to always be happy, when everything is going bad?" Seriously how smart is my girl. I looked at her and asked her why she thought that I was happy when things got bad...."well, you are always happy momma, and like right now your knee is all messed up and we are having to help you do things around here, but you are still happy"

I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to share with her why we should always be happy....I started by saying that I am happy because I know that one day I am going to die and go to Heaven, and that every day we are given the choice of how we are going to deal with things. I asked her if she would rather go thru the day as a grump, and how she felt on those grumpy days. Then I asked her if it was more fun to be happy. She of course picked happy! Then came those words that made me proud to be her momma!! "I think that you are happy because you are strong, and you don't want me and Abbi to worry! And that's why you always laugh and say that it could always be worse but not to worry because we always land on our feet!"
I smiled at her, and gave her a big hug. It is good to know that when it is all said and done, that my kids understand that when life gets hard you have to look at the positive side of things. And that you have to make the choice of whether or not you will face life as a grump or with a smile and a laugh. At our house we are making the decision to be happy about the obstacles in our days, and I assured Emma that there is always someone watching to see how we deal with those obstacles. She of course being a seven year old girl decided to tell her sister that her grumpy days were numbered! haha

looking for answers

One year ago today I was looking at the end of my marriage. On October 20, 2008, I walked into the courtroom in downtown Conway for the last time as Mrs. Chase Tucker. It is odd how within an hour I walked out as Marli.....plain and simple. I think back to that day now and it makes me cry. You go into a marriage with all of these wonderful thoughts about your future and your partnership to the person that you pledge to love until death. Then the years go by and like some couples, you start to grow apart from each other, in our case we both made decisions that were not healthy for our marriage. It is painful to look at it with eyes wide open, but honestly we were blindly going thru that marriage. Neither one of us was able to see the harm we were doing, along with pride and selfishness, our marriage was headed for the toilet.



As I walked out of the courtroom, I remember thinking that it was so easy to sign the paperwork, and make the decision to divorce. Much easier than getting married bc of all the hurt and the pain. As I walked out with my lawyer and my dad, I watched Chase and his crew walk off and I felt free. I know that sounds horrible, but it was a very free feeling. And then after we were in the car Kathy, my counselor, called me. I had not shed a tear yet, but within moments of talking to her, I was bawling. She assured me that I was a strong person and that I could do this. She told me that from here on out, it was up to me to be the one who determines my destiny.



This past year I have learned so much about myself.....I have finally learned how to say no to people. I have started making healthier choices about what I do. I have always struggled with trying to do things that i thought a "good" christian would do. Seriously why is this a struggle? It should be second nature, shouldn't it? One thing I can say without a doubt in my mind, is that I now have more respect for people who are able to face tough times head on. I think that God has blessed me during this challenge. He has shown me, that to be a good christian you have to love and accept everyone for who they are, faults and all. Now just bc you love and accept them for who they are, does not mean that you have to have them in your life. Sometimes you need to realize that not everyone is a good fit for your life.



Over the past year I have learned to respect my exhusband. I have been able to see that he is a wonderful daddy. He is all about my girls....100%!! It is kinda weird but we parent better now than we did when we were married. I think that now the kids can get a way with so much more, so we are forced to work as a team to make sure we keep them on the right track. Isn't that crazy? We are nicer to each other now too, but it has taken so long to get here. Thru pain, there comes an answer. It is sad that it took the dissolving of my marriage to open my eyes to what is the most important thing. I think that Chase would probably say the same thing....but I cannot speak for him at all.



Over the past year I have run into several people who were looking at the end of their marriages, and they have asked me for advice. I swear that I honestly feel that you can work on marriages and save them, as long as both parties are determined to do so. In our case there was no such luck. I was tired of the fighting, and all the negative junk, the vicious cycle that had become my life, I was tired of thinking about how wonderful it would be if I got the call that my husband was killed in a wreck!!! Yeah I said it!! I know it is crazy, but I swear the thoughts went thru my head! How freakin selfish is that? I was focused on me!! I did not want to have to go thru a divorce, so him dying would be the better solution? I am telling you that is how bad it was.....sadly I have talked to so many people who say that they have thought the same things about their spouses!! I asked Kathy about that, and she said that your mind does that when you have given up. That people start to look at how they will cope after the fact. Now, the screwed up part of that is that I never really thought about my kids in all of this. I was so extremely selfish. The first selfless thing I did was to tell my ex to move out. The girls had witnessed the violence first hand, and I was determined to break the cycle of abuse. I could not dare to think that I was going to be visiting my daughters one day and see them being treated the way that I was treated in my marriage. I also never wanted them to EVER have those thoughts of "I wonder what it would be like if my spouse died in a car wreck" bc they were unhappy in their marriages.



I hate to say it, but the knowledge that I have gained from my divorce is knowledge that I use to help others save their marriage. It has been one of those ways that I think God is using my pain for His glory type situations. Like I said from pain comes answers! It has all come full circle.



I am so glad that I have been able to learn valuable lessons from my mistakes. I see so many people who do not realize the mistakes they made and go back to doing the same things again. I have learned also what exactly it is that I want. I have decided that no matter what, I will not settle for anything less than everything. And that is in everything that I do. I know now that I deserve all the things that God is blessing me with. I deserve to be loved unconditionally, and in turn I know that I will not settle for anything that is not true love. It is very liberating to know exactly what it is that I want, and knowing that I will have that because I deserve it. That is just a bonus from this past year, my biggest blessing is realizing that my children are my world. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that they grow up to be successful in all that they do.

In the meantime, I am always struggling to find exactly where it is that my life is going. I know that wherever God chooses to lead me, it will be for the best and that He truly is the only one with the answers.

Life

The meaning of life to me is one of those things that I will never know or understand.

Some days I think that the meaning of life comes from your family. My family is my most amazing accomplishment, and to me they are my meaning. My girls are the most important factor in my decision making, they are the reason that I get up in the morning and go to work. They are the reason I am always trying to better myself. I never want to disappoint my children although I know it will happen. I am a better momma because of my children. I will always be thankful to them for that. It amazes me how much of a better mother I am now. Before I had the luxury of being the fun momma, and never had to really worry about much of anything.....now however, I am the one that takes care of them, I am the one that works full time and still makes time to do all the things we did before and then some. But if it were not for my kids, how easy it would have been to walk away from everything and not look back. The girls have forced me to look at myself and exam who I am. I know now that bc of them I make sure that there is open communication between Chase and I. I do not by any means have to do that, but I want them to see that just bc people make mistakes, we should always forgive. They have made me want to be a better christian. I want them to look at me and be proud. I think that I would literally die if I ever heard my kids say "she's our mom so we have to love her, but I am not gonna do anything the way she did things" They are my world and they give me true meaning.

Other days I think that the meaning of life comes from the people that we are privileged to call friends. I have so very close friends that I have depended on a lot lately. I know if I ever needed them they would be there in a heartbeat. I know that they could say the same about me, and I think that my friends give me purpose in this life. Over the past year, my friends have had to become my family. I am living in a state with out any family around, and my friends are theones that I tend to call when I am in need. One of the best feelings to me is knowing that you can have those friend in your life that you can consider family. I have been extremely blessed to find that over and over again in my life. Without them my life would not have much meaning.

Everyday I know that my true meaning and purpose in this life comes from God. I know that he has placed these children and friends in my life because he knows what I need more than anyone, especially better than I. I have made so many decisions lately that have not been what God would have wanted me to choose. I know that by making these decisions I have truly put God in the backseat of my life and asked him sit tight..... I have been looking at things more clearly over the past few days, and have made some decisions that are gonna make everyone in my life happy. I want everyone I know to be proud of me and respect me, but right now more than anything I want to be able to say with out a doubt in my mind that my Lord is proud of me and the decisions that I am making. I want for him to pour into me the meaning of my life, and help me to see it with open eyes and an open heart.

I think that my love of people, and my love for the Lord are what gives me meaning in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to look back on my life and see the true meaning of life thru the choices I have made. Hopefully when I die, people will look at my life and be inspired to do good. And maybe just maybe that is my meaning and my purpose for all that I do!

Hmmmmmmmmmm..................

This weekend the girls and I did a bunch of nothing, but got a lot done. How is that possible? Let's just say, we were worn out!
Here is some of our work:

This is Abbi's side of the room, and the one underneath is Emma's side! For whatever reason Emma's side kept turning out darker.

That all happened on Saturday.......Friday I went and picked up the kids and we headed to downtown Conway to get ready for the Kris Allen concert. We were all excited with our little bag of water and snacks (needed to stay properly hydrated) to get us thru the afternoon. The kids not so as excited as me, but they were excited none the less. We got to the area around 3:20p, and the concert was to start around 5p or so after the dinky little parade..... anyway. My kids are the type of girls that could be covered in lace from head to toe, but if they see mud, or a puddle, they are right there in the middle of it........need I say more as to what they did to entertain themselves during the waiting period!

Snack eating for Abbi!

snack posing for Emma!You cannot see from these two pictures, but there was a ginormous mud puddle behind them, that they kept getting into. At one point Emma picked up a rock and tossed it into the middle of it, and muddy water went everywhere!!! We left soon after that.

Sunday morning Emma came in and asked what was for breakfast, but as soon as she looked at me she remembered that it was Mothers Day. She ran off to who knows where, and brought back a present from her, and one from Abbi. Abbi followed her with a healthy breakfastof chocolate donuts. We opened presents, and ate donuts in bed.......a perfect mothers day!! I got up and hopped in the shower, hoping that we would be on time for church. The girls got themselves dressed, washed up and ready to go. We went to church, out to lunch, and then home to do some more nothing around here. We finished the weekend at house church last night, and it was one of the best weekends we have had in a long time! I am so glad for lazy weekends to spend with the loves of my life.......I do not know what I would do without my girls!

Prayer for the DAY!!

Give me the heart of a servant, Tender and Faithful and True
Fill me with Love and use me Oh Lord, so that the world can see you!!

If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!!!

Ok, so seriously that is what someone said to me today! Now I know that I am not having the abundance of luck oozing from my life, but it is not that bad. When he said it, I kinda just stopped and thought, "he just does not know me at all" And he did not say anything that at the moment was not true, it is just in how you look at the circumstances.

Let me set the stage if you will. Today was my meeting day in LR at Disney, I have to be there at 8:30am, not a huge problem. The morningwas going great, I took Abbi to Steph who in turn took her to school, and then Emma to school for her to eat breakfast there with friends. So I was on my way to LR by 7:25am. It was looking great, I got onto the freeway, and it was going slow, bc noone here knows how to drive in the rain(crazy as that is) so I have plenty of time and I am feeling good. I am in my little loaner car from the dealership, just tooling along. i keep hearing this dreadful noise, but think nothing of it, but see that everyone on my right is looking at me funny. I rolled the window down and asked the man in the lane beside me if Ihad a flat tire, and no surprise he said "yep, you done had it for a while" So, i asked him if he would let me over to the right hand side of the road, and he did. Now I am totally thinking that this is just my luck, but this man will probably help me.......yeah right! He kept going, and so did every other car for the next 15 minutes. I called the dealership and that is when the conversation of my luck came into play. I sat and thought about it, and got a little mad. So i opened the door to go look for the spare, not being my car, I had no idea where it was. Anyhow, I guess at that moment I caught the eye of not one, but two gentlemen, who then proceeded to make their way over from the left hand lane to help me.....pays to wear high heels on a rainy day! :) So a state trooper and a very nice young man helped me change my tire this morning.

I was at my 8:30am meeting by 9am!! NOt bad! I do not think that my luck was bad, I do think that today was a lesson in patience. And how we deal with things when it just is not going our way. I am not sure if I failed or passed the test, but I kept it together, I did not cry or get too terribly upset, I was a little miffed, but nothing out of control. I think that I am learning to deal with stress better now. And this was just another daily reminder that God is in control! I sat and waited and then he provided the answer for me. So it wasn't really luck, it was more of a trust and faith issue. Hopefully I passed!!

MONDAYS!!

You all know what I am talking about.....you do not want to get out of bed, and when you do, you hope that it will be uneventful!

That was my hope for today. I was looking at a smooth productive day without any hiccups! It started off with the usual run around to get to school for Emma Claire, and then I came home to work. First I called around about tires and brakes and stuff like that, and then made my move on planning out the days events. I found a place that had used tires, that could do all the other stuff too that Ineeded, so I went there. Here is my day on a timeline.

9am- tire place
10 am-picked up by Stephanie to go home and wait for car stuff to be done
11am-call tire place to see if they are done.....no luck
12p-call again
1p-conference call(noone else called in on)
1:30p-call tire place
2p-go back to tire place for car
3p- head to dealership for brake warranty stuff
wait until 4:30p when they gave me a loaner to come home in
5pcall dealership to see if I will be reimbursed for all the brake work Ihad done earlier that morning! (answer was yes)


So during my little time at home and between work calls, I was on facebook(evil addiction) and I started chatting with a guy I went to highschool with. He was nice in school, but truthfully I did not know him all that well. Anyhow, he was asking me about the tires, bc I had not been able to find tires earlier today. I told him what I needed and he asked where I lived, so I told him...though the was just being nice and concerned. Then he sends me a message that he had bought me 4 brand new tires at a place here in Conway!!!! Wait, what? Yep, he and his wife gave me the gift of new tires for my car. I was shocked and overjoyed! You hear of these things, but never think they will happen to you! I asked him why he was doing this, and he said that this morning he felt the urge to look at my facebook page. He saw that I was needing new tires, and wanted to help me out. He said that God had blessed him and his wife and they wanted to help out another single mom, who was having a rough time. Wow!! He said that God had led him to my page and told him to help me. I am not one to question God's motives, so I of course accepted this help from him!

I immediately called my friend Joe, who had to listen to me cry yet again over something that touched my heart. I told him what had happened, bc he had talked me thru the purchasing of used tires earlier in the day! He, like me had a rough patch after his divorce, and so I think he feels sorry for me, which is ok by me, cause he is an awesome friend! He also is one who I think was sent to me by God! He has been there thru a lot of tough times that I have been having, and he is someone that I know I would probably never had run into, if it not had been led by God!

So my crazy Monday, turned out to be one of the most amazing days for me. I love those days when you can look out and see God working in your life. I know that even though I had turned away from Him so many times, he was still there watching over me. And he is continuosly blessing me thru my friendships with all of these amazing people! 10 years ago, I would never have been able to sit here and tell you that I am going to be blessed immeasurably by God to the point that I will see this type of impact on my life. never in a million years would I have ever thought that some of my main people in my life would have been complete strangers. But here I am.

I know now that the things Ihave done for others in the past that I felt went overlooked, were not done in vain. And I am ready to do whatever the Lord wants in my life. Here I am, Lord send me!!