MONDAYS!!

You all know what I am talking about.....you do not want to get out of bed, and when you do, you hope that it will be uneventful!

That was my hope for today. I was looking at a smooth productive day without any hiccups! It started off with the usual run around to get to school for Emma Claire, and then I came home to work. First I called around about tires and brakes and stuff like that, and then made my move on planning out the days events. I found a place that had used tires, that could do all the other stuff too that Ineeded, so I went there. Here is my day on a timeline.

9am- tire place
10 am-picked up by Stephanie to go home and wait for car stuff to be done
11am-call tire place to see if they are done.....no luck
12p-call again
1p-conference call(noone else called in on)
1:30p-call tire place
2p-go back to tire place for car
3p- head to dealership for brake warranty stuff
wait until 4:30p when they gave me a loaner to come home in
5pcall dealership to see if I will be reimbursed for all the brake work Ihad done earlier that morning! (answer was yes)


So during my little time at home and between work calls, I was on facebook(evil addiction) and I started chatting with a guy I went to highschool with. He was nice in school, but truthfully I did not know him all that well. Anyhow, he was asking me about the tires, bc I had not been able to find tires earlier today. I told him what I needed and he asked where I lived, so I told him...though the was just being nice and concerned. Then he sends me a message that he had bought me 4 brand new tires at a place here in Conway!!!! Wait, what? Yep, he and his wife gave me the gift of new tires for my car. I was shocked and overjoyed! You hear of these things, but never think they will happen to you! I asked him why he was doing this, and he said that this morning he felt the urge to look at my facebook page. He saw that I was needing new tires, and wanted to help me out. He said that God had blessed him and his wife and they wanted to help out another single mom, who was having a rough time. Wow!! He said that God had led him to my page and told him to help me. I am not one to question God's motives, so I of course accepted this help from him!

I immediately called my friend Joe, who had to listen to me cry yet again over something that touched my heart. I told him what had happened, bc he had talked me thru the purchasing of used tires earlier in the day! He, like me had a rough patch after his divorce, and so I think he feels sorry for me, which is ok by me, cause he is an awesome friend! He also is one who I think was sent to me by God! He has been there thru a lot of tough times that I have been having, and he is someone that I know I would probably never had run into, if it not had been led by God!

So my crazy Monday, turned out to be one of the most amazing days for me. I love those days when you can look out and see God working in your life. I know that even though I had turned away from Him so many times, he was still there watching over me. And he is continuosly blessing me thru my friendships with all of these amazing people! 10 years ago, I would never have been able to sit here and tell you that I am going to be blessed immeasurably by God to the point that I will see this type of impact on my life. never in a million years would I have ever thought that some of my main people in my life would have been complete strangers. But here I am.

I know now that the things Ihave done for others in the past that I felt went overlooked, were not done in vain. And I am ready to do whatever the Lord wants in my life. Here I am, Lord send me!!

Found this, and LOVE this!

*****God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. ******


I found this on a girls Facebook status, and absolutely loved it. I have been trying to figure out why things keep happening the way that they do in my life, with no explanation to it. I am being molded into the person God wants me to be. I am sure that everyone else can see this so very clearly, but to me it has been so hard to see past the end of my nose. I love the fact that I do have friends who can step back and look at my life and offer guidance. They are the ones that I go to for the important stuff like why do I keep getting hurt with the decisions that I make?

I have some guy friends that I go to for advice alot. One in particular that has just been there for me since Christmas, and has been one of the main people I have leaned on in hard times. I think that a good deal of the people in my life are here to help guide me in my decision making process. For the first time in my life, I am out having to pay my own bills, and have my car worked on, and make a living for myself and the girls! That is a lot of firsts for me especially since the fam is out of state and all.

I have asked the guys that I am around about the tires and brakes issue that I am having, and I realize that I will probably be takin advantage of at the tire place, but that is just another lesson i am gonna have to learn. I am learning to swallow my pride and admit that I am a girl that does not know what I am doing.....which is extremely hard for me. Ask anyone that is around me, I am not wrong very often. Or at least I do not admit to it! HA So here I sit, in my little house, surrounded by pictures of all those I love and those who love me, google-ing buying tires and getting brakes put on the car information sites.....and I feel like a complete dork! But I do not want the guy at the tire place to know that I have no clue as to what I am talking about tomorrow! I really need to get this pride thing under control!

I am starting to understand why I am in the place in my life that I am in.
1. I made the decision to put my marriage on the chopping block. I had two choices, and I made the wrong one. I admit that now, but it was way easier to place the blame on the other party.
2. The choices I have made since then have not been ideal for me either. I started to date way tooo soon after my divorce was final. And now I am dealing with all of that.
3. I have this really competitive side to me that I think has laid dormant for the past few years! But it is pushing me to become the super successful business woman that I have always wanted to be. It is really awesome to see the things that I want come to fruition!
4. I left the church home that I had for the past 10 years and went to the other one across town, and started over. And by doing that, I found myself again. I found the true meaning of Christs love and God's grace! It is inspiring to walk into a building and feel the Holy Spirit surround you! I am so glad that I made the change!!

I also had to start over with making new friends. I have never had a problem with making new friends, but it was like I had noone there anymore that understood. I know that I did have my friends from before, but I felt so alone. Now did I make wise decisions in my friend making? Of course not, but I have learned so much from everyone that I have had connections with. Its funny how as time goes by, I see things in myself that I never would have thought I would be strong enough to do, but by watching others endure the same obstacles, I have gained wisdom. I have one friend that I go out with.......it is not a wise choice in friends as far as making healthy decisions, but she has been there for me when I have been at the very end of my rope. I also have my friends like Heather and Stephanie who will sit and listen to all of my troubles and offer up advice, granted I do not always ever take their advice, even though I should from the get go, I learn my lesson and then do things the way they had advised me to.

Now there are those who have entered my life and left a huge impact on me, and then left it again. From those people I have learned that I am stronger than I ever knew I could be. They brought me happiness and love and then walked out taking small peices of my heart with them. Luckily those other friends have been there to help me salvage the pieces and put it all together again.

I thank God daily for all of the people in my life. I am seeing that He is making me into who I need to be. I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had so far in life, and I am anxious to see where exactly my life is headed and who I will be able to touch on my journey. I am also seeing that these experiences will allo me to help other women who get themselves in to the some of the same situations that I have over the years. My friend Joe told me the other day that You have people in your life that can help you bc someone has helped them. I am so glad that he told me that, bc now I know that I am destined to help others.

Hope

My Hope is built on nothing less than Jesus love and righteousness.........

Why is this so hard to live by? I mean it is so simple, why am I struggling with this?

This is my simple prayer:

Lord help me to focus on what is important in my life and the life of my children.
Help me to be the strong example for my girls that I long to be.
Give me the patience to get thru this and the peace of mind that I am making the right decisions.
Be with those friends of mine that do not know you and help me to be an example to them.
Thank you for all the blessings you have given our little family, we love you and we glorify your name in all that we do.
Amen

Happiness

So, the last time I wrote it was sad news. Two days after that news I was hit with some more unpleasant news. The man that I have been seeing was activated to go over to Afghanistan. I knew it was coming, but it took me by surprise. So I have been so emotional due to that! When it rains over here with bad news, I have started to just expect it to flood. I think though that with the struggles I have personally endured, that I am going to be stronger on the other side. or at least let's hope and cross our fingers!!

I have had so much time to reflect over the past couple of weeks, and have held many things close to my heart. It often astonishes me, how a year can just fly by in no time flat. Chase and I seperated close to a year ago......but it still seems like it was just yesterday. Odd how I know we are so much better apart than we were together, but still there is the question of did the right answer to the problem occur? I mean was divorce the best answer? I know that there is no going back by any means, nor do I want to, but did it have to end so hatefully?

I am in the process of finding the best place for me to be in. I want to make sure that i am doing what is best for my kids, and for myself. I want to give them what they need, and eventually what they want! Oh to have a bigger bank account and smaller bills......i think as long as they are healthy and happy, I will be good!

Hopefully your world is going great. Ours is still going, so hopefully it will continue to get better!

Sadness

I am extremely sad tonight! A friend of my sister's family has died, and left a wife and two small children behind. Zeke was 5 and Kaelyn is 2. I know that they knew the end was coming, but it never eases the pain of that loss. I have cried today as I thought of the hurt his family is enduring. I reflected on my own marriage, and honestly felt horrible. I hurt for Jenny, she truly loved her husband with all of her heart. She stood by him in the darkest hours, during the treatments and also the last breaths.

I am humbled by this love. It is the love that I am hope and pray to find! It amazes me how one couple has made me rethink my own mistakes. I know that God has blessed so many thru the lives of Brad and Jenny Wims. Their committment to each other, and to God is a blessing to me. I can look at all they have been thru over the past two years of Brad being sick, and marvel at all of God's grace.

Today is a sad day but also a very happy day, because Brad is now in heaven. He has reached the ultimate goal, the one we all strive for on this earth. He is sitting in heaven with our great and merciful Father, rejoicing and enjoying the great reward. Please say a prayer of comfort for the family of Brad and Jenny Wims in the loss of a great man. He will be greatly missed!

UGH!!!

I hate stress, and it seems like I am forever stressed! I am of course in counseling, for all of my stuff that I have been dealing with, and my biggest issue is that I am codependent. I have read so much about it, that I honestly do not want to even think about it. It does not mean that I have a drinking problem or drugs or anything like that......MY PROBLEM is that I like to take care of people.

How is that a problem? Oh, let me tell you, it is a huge problem. I will drop everything to bail someone out of trouble, I put everyone before myself and my family. It is not a healthy way to be, but yet I find myself in situations where I am putting my friends and their issues before my own. I have overcome my little problem by leaps and bounds over the past six months. I have started standing up for myself, in ways that I honestly never thought that I would. The good news is that Kathy(the counselor) has decided that I am healthier now than I was when we first started. I was going twice a month, and it has tapered off to where I am at once every two months!!! Hooray!!! That was some of the best news I have recieved in a long time!

Why is it that as we get older, the stress gets more and more unbearable? It is the same stresses we had as young people ( or at least for me)!! I have the same issues with friends. it is easier for me to be friends with guys, because there is less drama. However, now that the word high maintenance is used.......well of course I am constantly being told by my guy friends that I am just that!! And I am sorry, but that to me is like cussing me out. So stop it! It offends me.....and yes, I know that I am, I just do not like hearing it!!! I have had a rough week with trying to find my place in this world of single. I keep going back and forth with what I want. Which once again, I know is part of my high maintenance problem, but come on it has not been quite a year since we seperated!!

Most people that read this (Heather) know me pretty well and will agree with me( ahem) that I am coping well with the circumstances. NOw, I do not like being broke all the time, and not being able to do as much with the girls as I did before, but I am making it on my own. One of my goals for this year was to be able to support myself and my girls with my job. I have been able to do that so far, and I know it will be hard, but I will overcome this. The one thing i have learned about myself over the last 11 months, is that I can do this. I had never been alone in my life until all of this divorce and seperation happened. I never thought that I would ever be able to do it, but here I am! I am living in my house by myself two nights a week and every other weekend! That alone is enough to make me see the light. If I can do that, there is no stopping me. I still have not conquered the going to dinner by myself, in a restaraunt. It gives me this achy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just cannot do it. But I will. It is a goal. I never thought i would ever go to the movies by myself either, and I was successful in doing that.

Now, if I could just get the stress thing under control!! Oh, and my competitive side. For some reason I have become out of control with that one!!! So this week, I am striving for peace. I need peace in my life. If you think about our little family during the day, please pray for us. Pray that I will have peace and the patience to go with it!!!

Wow, it has been a while!

So, it is time to reflect on the past year. Well, I guess really that time has passed, but I am choosing to do it now.....

Over the past year, I have gone from humble kneeling before the throne, to thinking I had all the answers! I am admitting it right now, I have been playing with fire and been in total disrespect of those around me! I have been completely selfish, mean, rude, and uncaring of my behavior and attitude. I sound like the perfect Christian example to my kids........

So now where am I? What do I do now?

I am not gonna hide the fact that I dated the "perfect' guy right after my divorce was final, only to find out that he was not so perfect. Why is that? Why am I all of a sudden thinking that I am this great judge of character?

I have learned a few things in counseling, and one of those things is that I am NOT IN CONTROL of what I think I am in control of. Example: When I was dating Ben, I thought that I was on cloud nine! He was perfection.....Oh yeah, I was wrong!! The only perfection in human form was not the guy I was dating....He is my Lord and Savior! I took the control from him and tried to do what I thought was the best for me. It's funny how God has a subtle way of letting you figure it out! He was not all that subtle in my case, but I got it!!

I had started to miss church on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights, just because I did not want to go. I ask myself now, was it bc of my own guilt for things that I was doing? Or bc of the fact that I wanted to do something more fun than going to church. I am ashamed to admit it, but I had started to not care anymore what people thought of me. I did not care if they saw me out having a drink, or heaven forbid on a date! NOt to make light of it, but I was not caring about anything like that.

Now, let's talk about now. I am trying to turn it back around. I mean come on, this God that got me thru the absolute hardest time in my life is sitting waiting for me to turn back to Him and ask for help. And I was looking Him in the eye and saying "No thanks, I got it" I am so glad that I have a few friends that did not let me get away with actin this way for too long.

I am seeing that my actions almost always have a negative reaction when I act this way. I am watching my girls go from having two parents in the home, to having two homes. I know that is not how it was meant to be, and that kids need to have both parents all the time. I am VERY lucky to have married a man that is a GREaT daddy!! He puts the girls first, and I am grateful for that. I think that the kiddos are getting Chase at his very best when he has them, and me at my very best when I have them. But I do hate that they are having to grow up in a broken home, and the fact that I am the cause of it breaks my heart to pieces!

I have made the decision to do the right thing from here on out, no matter what the consequence may be. I have consistently said that I want my girls to grow up and be strong christian women, and I NEED to be that example. I want them to look to me, not someone else.

I think that hard times are in our lives to bring us closer to our goal in life, and that is spending eternity with our heavenly Father. This year has been an absolute roller coaster for me, and I am ready for the drama to be over with!!