Happiness

So, the last time I wrote it was sad news. Two days after that news I was hit with some more unpleasant news. The man that I have been seeing was activated to go over to Afghanistan. I knew it was coming, but it took me by surprise. So I have been so emotional due to that! When it rains over here with bad news, I have started to just expect it to flood. I think though that with the struggles I have personally endured, that I am going to be stronger on the other side. or at least let's hope and cross our fingers!!

I have had so much time to reflect over the past couple of weeks, and have held many things close to my heart. It often astonishes me, how a year can just fly by in no time flat. Chase and I seperated close to a year ago......but it still seems like it was just yesterday. Odd how I know we are so much better apart than we were together, but still there is the question of did the right answer to the problem occur? I mean was divorce the best answer? I know that there is no going back by any means, nor do I want to, but did it have to end so hatefully?

I am in the process of finding the best place for me to be in. I want to make sure that i am doing what is best for my kids, and for myself. I want to give them what they need, and eventually what they want! Oh to have a bigger bank account and smaller bills......i think as long as they are healthy and happy, I will be good!

Hopefully your world is going great. Ours is still going, so hopefully it will continue to get better!

Sadness

I am extremely sad tonight! A friend of my sister's family has died, and left a wife and two small children behind. Zeke was 5 and Kaelyn is 2. I know that they knew the end was coming, but it never eases the pain of that loss. I have cried today as I thought of the hurt his family is enduring. I reflected on my own marriage, and honestly felt horrible. I hurt for Jenny, she truly loved her husband with all of her heart. She stood by him in the darkest hours, during the treatments and also the last breaths.

I am humbled by this love. It is the love that I am hope and pray to find! It amazes me how one couple has made me rethink my own mistakes. I know that God has blessed so many thru the lives of Brad and Jenny Wims. Their committment to each other, and to God is a blessing to me. I can look at all they have been thru over the past two years of Brad being sick, and marvel at all of God's grace.

Today is a sad day but also a very happy day, because Brad is now in heaven. He has reached the ultimate goal, the one we all strive for on this earth. He is sitting in heaven with our great and merciful Father, rejoicing and enjoying the great reward. Please say a prayer of comfort for the family of Brad and Jenny Wims in the loss of a great man. He will be greatly missed!

UGH!!!

I hate stress, and it seems like I am forever stressed! I am of course in counseling, for all of my stuff that I have been dealing with, and my biggest issue is that I am codependent. I have read so much about it, that I honestly do not want to even think about it. It does not mean that I have a drinking problem or drugs or anything like that......MY PROBLEM is that I like to take care of people.

How is that a problem? Oh, let me tell you, it is a huge problem. I will drop everything to bail someone out of trouble, I put everyone before myself and my family. It is not a healthy way to be, but yet I find myself in situations where I am putting my friends and their issues before my own. I have overcome my little problem by leaps and bounds over the past six months. I have started standing up for myself, in ways that I honestly never thought that I would. The good news is that Kathy(the counselor) has decided that I am healthier now than I was when we first started. I was going twice a month, and it has tapered off to where I am at once every two months!!! Hooray!!! That was some of the best news I have recieved in a long time!

Why is it that as we get older, the stress gets more and more unbearable? It is the same stresses we had as young people ( or at least for me)!! I have the same issues with friends. it is easier for me to be friends with guys, because there is less drama. However, now that the word high maintenance is used.......well of course I am constantly being told by my guy friends that I am just that!! And I am sorry, but that to me is like cussing me out. So stop it! It offends me.....and yes, I know that I am, I just do not like hearing it!!! I have had a rough week with trying to find my place in this world of single. I keep going back and forth with what I want. Which once again, I know is part of my high maintenance problem, but come on it has not been quite a year since we seperated!!

Most people that read this (Heather) know me pretty well and will agree with me( ahem) that I am coping well with the circumstances. NOw, I do not like being broke all the time, and not being able to do as much with the girls as I did before, but I am making it on my own. One of my goals for this year was to be able to support myself and my girls with my job. I have been able to do that so far, and I know it will be hard, but I will overcome this. The one thing i have learned about myself over the last 11 months, is that I can do this. I had never been alone in my life until all of this divorce and seperation happened. I never thought that I would ever be able to do it, but here I am! I am living in my house by myself two nights a week and every other weekend! That alone is enough to make me see the light. If I can do that, there is no stopping me. I still have not conquered the going to dinner by myself, in a restaraunt. It gives me this achy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just cannot do it. But I will. It is a goal. I never thought i would ever go to the movies by myself either, and I was successful in doing that.

Now, if I could just get the stress thing under control!! Oh, and my competitive side. For some reason I have become out of control with that one!!! So this week, I am striving for peace. I need peace in my life. If you think about our little family during the day, please pray for us. Pray that I will have peace and the patience to go with it!!!

Wow, it has been a while!

So, it is time to reflect on the past year. Well, I guess really that time has passed, but I am choosing to do it now.....

Over the past year, I have gone from humble kneeling before the throne, to thinking I had all the answers! I am admitting it right now, I have been playing with fire and been in total disrespect of those around me! I have been completely selfish, mean, rude, and uncaring of my behavior and attitude. I sound like the perfect Christian example to my kids........

So now where am I? What do I do now?

I am not gonna hide the fact that I dated the "perfect' guy right after my divorce was final, only to find out that he was not so perfect. Why is that? Why am I all of a sudden thinking that I am this great judge of character?

I have learned a few things in counseling, and one of those things is that I am NOT IN CONTROL of what I think I am in control of. Example: When I was dating Ben, I thought that I was on cloud nine! He was perfection.....Oh yeah, I was wrong!! The only perfection in human form was not the guy I was dating....He is my Lord and Savior! I took the control from him and tried to do what I thought was the best for me. It's funny how God has a subtle way of letting you figure it out! He was not all that subtle in my case, but I got it!!

I had started to miss church on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights, just because I did not want to go. I ask myself now, was it bc of my own guilt for things that I was doing? Or bc of the fact that I wanted to do something more fun than going to church. I am ashamed to admit it, but I had started to not care anymore what people thought of me. I did not care if they saw me out having a drink, or heaven forbid on a date! NOt to make light of it, but I was not caring about anything like that.

Now, let's talk about now. I am trying to turn it back around. I mean come on, this God that got me thru the absolute hardest time in my life is sitting waiting for me to turn back to Him and ask for help. And I was looking Him in the eye and saying "No thanks, I got it" I am so glad that I have a few friends that did not let me get away with actin this way for too long.

I am seeing that my actions almost always have a negative reaction when I act this way. I am watching my girls go from having two parents in the home, to having two homes. I know that is not how it was meant to be, and that kids need to have both parents all the time. I am VERY lucky to have married a man that is a GREaT daddy!! He puts the girls first, and I am grateful for that. I think that the kiddos are getting Chase at his very best when he has them, and me at my very best when I have them. But I do hate that they are having to grow up in a broken home, and the fact that I am the cause of it breaks my heart to pieces!

I have made the decision to do the right thing from here on out, no matter what the consequence may be. I have consistently said that I want my girls to grow up and be strong christian women, and I NEED to be that example. I want them to look to me, not someone else.

I think that hard times are in our lives to bring us closer to our goal in life, and that is spending eternity with our heavenly Father. This year has been an absolute roller coaster for me, and I am ready for the drama to be over with!!

To God be the Glory

In the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, I am reminded to stop and thank God for all that he has done in my life. This year it has been so evident that He has been working in my life. I know that He has been with me always, but I have not been able to see Him past myself! I am humbled by the grace that He has extended to me. I am honored to have the ability to ask for forgiveness, and to go before His throne giving glory to Him!

I pray that as this year comes to an end, and a new one starts, that we will all remember to give God the glory!! I am making a resolution to give thanks in every situation, and give God the glory no matter what the situation is!! I am wanting my girls to see me as an example of a strong christian woman, so that they will be strong when they grow up. I also want the girls to know that no matter what happens in life, God will be with them, and they will have Him to help them get thru the tough times!!

Merry Christmas to you all from our family to yours!!

Tis the Season

Times have been really hard lately, but of course it has to get better. The girls and I have been doing our thing, sticking to our routine, and finally i am realizing that Christmas is around the corner. We are headed to mom and dad's on Friday for christmas with them and then coming back here for Christmas eve and christmas morning. I am not enjoying the whole splitting up of holidays, as a mother, and someone who loves Christmas, I am not looking forward to christmas day. I guess though it is what we do with the time we have together. I have tried to keep all the traditions the same, and as usual there are not many more traditions that we could add this year. We have our Elf on a Shelf, We do the christmas eve gift of new pajamas, and reindeer food, cookies for santa, and all the other little things that make the holidays the holidays!

We have been dealing with the sickness for a while.
Emma has had : walking pneumonia, and Pink eye
Abbi: has been well!! who would have thought
Me: currently I have Strep throat, a kidney infection, and sinus infection

Yay for illness!! Luckily Emma has gotten over her stuff reatively quickly, but Me on the other hand, I am not feeling so hot! Hopefully by christmas santa will bring me good health.


Hopefully everyone else is having a great holiday season!!

the Rollercoaster continues!!

There are times in your life, when you are so blessed that you forget that there are low points in life. When you are up, you are doing great and everything is going your way. When the lows come, it hits you hard! I am learning the hard way to ride this rollercoaster of life as a single woman and mother. And let me just say it is tough. I have been very blessed, more than I deserve to be, or ever thought I could be, but have forgotten about the important things in life. After the sell of the house, everything was going well, but like all things money runs low and it all gets tight! I am now working three jobs to make ends meet for me and the girls, and I am not gonna lie, I am worn out. We are in a major low, and I was reminded today that it could always be worse. But where am I looking to find comfort? I am looking to my friends and family of course, but have noticed that recently I have taken my focus off of God!

I am just like everyone before me, I am on the same path as many, but I am still looking down!! I have many theme songs in life and right now the one that sums it up the most is the one that brings my life into focus as soon as it starts playing!!


I will not be Moved!

I have been a wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned sovreignty
and had my share of doubts

And though sometimes
my prayers feel like they're
bouncin off the sky
the hand that holds I won't let go
and here's the reason why

I will stumble, i will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face Heartaches
But I will not be Moved

On c]Christ the solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
many times before
My life has been a broken glass
and I have kept the score
of all the shattered dreams
and though it seemed
that I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's GRACE I'm standing on

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid ROCK I stand
all other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

And the chaos in my life
has been a badge of war
and though I have been torn
I willnot be moved

I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartaches
but I will not be moved

On Christ the solid ROck i stand
all other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved



This is the my life right now summed up into a powerful song!! I love it, it is by Natalie Grant!!