Wow, it has been a while!

So, it is time to reflect on the past year. Well, I guess really that time has passed, but I am choosing to do it now.....

Over the past year, I have gone from humble kneeling before the throne, to thinking I had all the answers! I am admitting it right now, I have been playing with fire and been in total disrespect of those around me! I have been completely selfish, mean, rude, and uncaring of my behavior and attitude. I sound like the perfect Christian example to my kids........

So now where am I? What do I do now?

I am not gonna hide the fact that I dated the "perfect' guy right after my divorce was final, only to find out that he was not so perfect. Why is that? Why am I all of a sudden thinking that I am this great judge of character?

I have learned a few things in counseling, and one of those things is that I am NOT IN CONTROL of what I think I am in control of. Example: When I was dating Ben, I thought that I was on cloud nine! He was perfection.....Oh yeah, I was wrong!! The only perfection in human form was not the guy I was dating....He is my Lord and Savior! I took the control from him and tried to do what I thought was the best for me. It's funny how God has a subtle way of letting you figure it out! He was not all that subtle in my case, but I got it!!

I had started to miss church on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights, just because I did not want to go. I ask myself now, was it bc of my own guilt for things that I was doing? Or bc of the fact that I wanted to do something more fun than going to church. I am ashamed to admit it, but I had started to not care anymore what people thought of me. I did not care if they saw me out having a drink, or heaven forbid on a date! NOt to make light of it, but I was not caring about anything like that.

Now, let's talk about now. I am trying to turn it back around. I mean come on, this God that got me thru the absolute hardest time in my life is sitting waiting for me to turn back to Him and ask for help. And I was looking Him in the eye and saying "No thanks, I got it" I am so glad that I have a few friends that did not let me get away with actin this way for too long.

I am seeing that my actions almost always have a negative reaction when I act this way. I am watching my girls go from having two parents in the home, to having two homes. I know that is not how it was meant to be, and that kids need to have both parents all the time. I am VERY lucky to have married a man that is a GREaT daddy!! He puts the girls first, and I am grateful for that. I think that the kiddos are getting Chase at his very best when he has them, and me at my very best when I have them. But I do hate that they are having to grow up in a broken home, and the fact that I am the cause of it breaks my heart to pieces!

I have made the decision to do the right thing from here on out, no matter what the consequence may be. I have consistently said that I want my girls to grow up and be strong christian women, and I NEED to be that example. I want them to look to me, not someone else.

I think that hard times are in our lives to bring us closer to our goal in life, and that is spending eternity with our heavenly Father. This year has been an absolute roller coaster for me, and I am ready for the drama to be over with!!